Children's Manners

Take Your Manners With You

2012-01-08T17:01:00.003-05:00

I thought it important to start a new social skills topic that we haven't touched on before; manners in public places. When your children go out the door without you, hopefully, you will be confident that they will behave properly, get along with everyone, be liked and respected by all they meet, and not embarrass you.

To some that may sound like a lot to expect, but all those little reminders, manners rules, and behavior corrections that you have made since birth should pay off. Your children will make you proud; just don't get upset when they forget or slip up. If you realize they are just kids, you can rest easier when you're not around to correct them. Most people are tolerant of children and excuse quite a lot.

Usually when children go out the door of their homes they are in a neighborhood. I think the best way to be sure they behave the way you want them to is to model the behavior you want from them. If you greet your neighbors whenever you see them, the kids will also. Teach them how you want them to address the neighbors and they will pick that up as well.

If you walk on their driveway or walkway instead of across their grass, so will the kids. In like manner, if you restrict their play to your own property, your kids will learn to respect their neighbors'. And, if you get the mail or newspaper, or return trash cans for elderly neighbors, you are modeling kind and caring behavior. Your kids will see that and will learn important lessons from those actions.

Many kids balk at learning and practicing good manners, but once they learn them, they will not forget them. People do notice how children conduct themselves. The kind, polite, and respectful child may be the one asked by a neighbor to do small chores, run an errand, and when older, cut their grass or babysit.

There will be more in future blogs about manners in public places. For now, we need to consider the element of stranger danger we have in our society today. I'm sure that you are all well aware of that.
Check out the people your children will come in contact with to prevent any problems. Not only do we want our children to be confident, but they also need to be aware.

Gifts and Thank You Notes-Always a Dilemma

2011-12-20T11:18:00.003-05:00

We are now in the midst of the biggest gift giving season of the year. We are all excited about being able to give a special gift, carefully selected for someone. And, we are all excited about receiving something special as well. But nothing matches the excitement we see on our children's and grandchildren's faces when being given a gift, especially one that they know is exactly what they want. Whether the gift comes from Santa, mom or dad, a grandparent, or someone else, there are some social skills conventions that address gift receiving that your kids can practice now.

The general rule of thumb is if a gift is given in person and the person is thanked for it at that time, that thanks is sufficient. If a gift is shipped or mailed, the person will want to know that it was received. Therefore, some kind of acknowledgment is appropriate. Gifts among immediate or close family members are usually exempt from a thank you note. For all other situations, a hand-written thank you shows your good manners and social competency.

Most kids (and even adults) balk at being asked to write thank you notes. Keep in mind, that this training will come in handy when they have a job interview and will need to write a note to the interviewer.

In our high tech society, email, text, and phones have rendered the hand-written thank you note almost obsolete. Ask your kids to act out the following poem. It may just encourage them to write that note. Even young children can draw a picture and tell you what to write.

EMAIL OR SNAIL MAIL
Part 1
Giving gifts is fun to do
And making them is, too
Presents and gifts show others you care
I like getting them, don't you?

Part 2
Mom says thank you notes are right
For gifts and favors, too
Who says a note makes a kid polite?
I don't like writing them, do you?

Part 3
"Thank you so much"
"How thoughtful of you"
I love it and can't wait to use it"
Are some of the things that you can say
Never say "Yuk" and refuse it

Part 4
My friends send thanks by email
Or simply call by phone
If I send thanks by snail mail
I'll be writing all alone

Part 5
I like doing what's right
Notes could be fun, too
I want to be a kid who's polite
If I write them, won't you?

Helpful Holiday Hints

2011-12-03T20:27:00.003-05:00

Now that Thanksgiving is over, most are focusing on the holidays that are fast approaching. No matter what holiday you celebrate, or if you don't celebrate any, it's near to impossible to not get caught up in the festivities. From stores decorated for the season way before Thanksgiving, to all the hype on TV trying to convince your kids they need the latest toy, this can be a stressful time of year.

The more stressed out we become, the more that will impact our children's lives, and usually not in a positive way. Here are some of the things that I have found to be most helpful, and to have the most positive result with kids. Try to be as organized as possible. Set aside a time to discuss with your family what you will be doing for the holidays; include shoppping, entertaining, and any other activities your family likes. Include the kids in this discussion and ask them what parts of the preparation they want to help and participate in.

If you go out as a family and cut down a live tree, make it a fun excursion and a family tradition. If you want to bake, put that into your schedule. A child who has an investment in making something turn out great, not only has fun preparing for it, but is proud of his accomplishment and his contribution to the family. We all love to hear a child exclaim with excitement, "Grandma, I made these cookies for you!"

Stressful times require us to be more patient and willing to let things go. Kids are excited, so they will more than likely be testy as well. Making sure everyone gets enough rest is a great cure for this seasonal malady.

As the holidays approach remind your kids of activities they will be participating in with family and friends. Show them pictures of family members they haven't seen in a while to help them become familiar with those they will be seeing. For older kids, encourage them to attend the family functions, but if they balk, maybe it's ok to allow them to choose what they want to attend. It is often better to let them off the hook, and be surprised when you are all going out the door, when they want to go with you.

This is a good time to remind your children of the social skills
you have been so diligently teaching for so long. Now is the time to see them in action.

Finally, as your kids are seeing all the toys and games that are available, this is a great time to set aside some money, gifts, etc. for kids who are less fortunate.
The US Postal Service has their non-perishable food drive this next week-end. Let the kids pick out some food to give to your mailman. Kids who think of others, are the kind, caring kids most people want to be around.

Encouraging an Attitude of Gratitude

2011-11-20T20:28:00.003-05:00

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to remind our children of all that we have as citizens of the USA. Perhaps we even need to remind ourselves that we live in a country where freedom has been won for us at great cost. We don't usually think about the fact that we are free to go where we please, do what we want to do, and say what we want to say.

We tend to take for granted that we have clean water for drinking, bathing, and having fun. For the most part we are able to breathe in clean air. Our kids have good schools to attend; usually with adequate playgrounds and sports equipment. And, most of us have enough food to eat. So how do we encourage an attitude of gratitude in our children?

Children are born self-centered. A baby cries if hungry, wet, or uncomfortable. His world revolves around himself. As a child grows, it is our job as parents to gradually teach that child to be other-centered; to learn empathy. The best way to help your child learn to care about others and be grateful for what he has is to model that behavior yourselves, as the parents.

Teaching your child social skills such as The Magic Words, including "thank-you," helps the child to demonstrate gratefulness whenever appropriate. As you say, "thank-you" to each other, your child will learn to say this important phrase also. In my last blog entry I encouraged a sharing time of examples of gratefulness around the dining room table.

Another idea is to take your child or children for a walk or a ride around your neighborhood or community. Help them to be aware of the things around them, such as a beautiful fountain in a park, the varied colors of turning leaves, the wide beaches for summer fun, or the outdoor ampitheatre your community has for concerts and other fun events. Describe these to them with an air of excitement; let them know how lucky they are to have these resources.

At the same time that you are pointing out the great things they have, also point out some of those less fortunate and ask for their ideas of how they might help those children who may not have as much as your children do. You may be very surprised at their responses. Do your best to implement some of their suggestions. It might be just a can or two of food dropped off at a local shelter. Or, it may be a meal that you provide for someone in need. Whatever they want to do, encourage their desire to help others.

Avoiding Thanksgiving Meltdowns

2011-11-06T09:37:00.003-05:00

I would guess that most people in the US, regardless of religion or ethnicity, celebrate Thanksgiving. It's a great time for friends and family to gather, watch a game, and show gratitude for all we have. And, of course to overindulge in some great, traditional food. It can also be a great time of stress, especially for the family hosting the big meal.

When teaching manners classes, one of the biggest complaints I heard from kids about holidays was the relatives who showed up and wanted to greet them with a slobbery kiss or bear hug. Often, these were people they seldom saw, and in many cases the kids were a little afraid of them. There is an easy way to defuse this situation.

First, show your kids pictures of the family members who will be attending your dinner so they are familiar with who they are and can learn their names. Second, practice introductions with the kids; standing straight and tall, making eye contact, speaking clearly, and how to shake hands. Just knowing how to greet someone will give your child the confidence needed to jump in first and greet the visiting relative before they have time for the kiss or hug. The relative will be so pleased with your child's good manners, that they will respond with a handshake and continue the introduction.

Include your children in the Thanksgiving planning. Kids love to be an active part of family gatherings; not just showing up for the meal. Most kids enjoy making some kind of age-appropriate decorations. They also like to have some specific chores or responsibilities for the meal. Older kids can take some of the burden off Mom or Dad with meal preparations and clean up.

If you have several young children attending and have room for a "kids' table" I would encourage you to set that up. It would be fun for them to have some activities at the table to do between courses or after the meal. Ahead of time, ask your children to select certain toys and games that they want to share with visiting children. If there are certain ones they don't want to share, just put them away. There is no need to have your child upset about their favorite toy getting broken.

A tradition that I like is asking each family member to share something they are grateful for. Ask the kids before the meal to be thinking of something to say, so they are prepared. Young children might draw a picture. Older kids can help younger ones by prompting them with some ideas of what to share. Whatever their ages, you can be sure their comments will be priceless.

Super Heroes and Fairy Princesses

2011-10-31T20:37:00.004-04:00

Happy Halloween to all. What a fun time this is for kids. Costume parties at school, trick or treating in the neighborhood, then the inevitable tummy aches from all that candy. When I started writing this, I wasn't sure where I was going with it. But, it occurs to me that when we put on a costume and/or mask, we have the opportunity to be someone different; someone more exciting perhaps.

Kids love to dress up and be a super hero or a fairy princess. Make believe is great for fun, and for encouraging their imaginations. Those children with a strong sense of drama will take their imaginary persona to great extremes. Others just play at it for a while and then move on to something different. Whatever your child wants to be and do as that imaginary person or the costume character is fine and right for that child.

Some kids, however, may use the mask or costume as permission to act in ways that they might not normally. They may feel that they can be rude or hurtful, or act as they see their super hero act. As parents, it is our job to encourage real, true feelings and behaviors; to remind them that what they see a character doing on TV may not always be what we want them doing, or saying. It is always fun to explore the "walking in their shoes" concept with kids; showing them what it's like for someone else, and how what they say and do affects others. Kids can learn empathy simply by role-playing and swapping shoes.

As we encourage our kids to be kind, caring, and respectful to everyone, they are gaining important social skills that will benefit them in many ways. They will have more friends, be better able to stand up to bullies, have more self-confidence, and be the kind of kids that others want to be around.

Back to Bullying-A Year Later

2011-10-14T20:42:00.003-04:00

On October 10th of last year I wrote a blog entry called "Bullycide." This was written in response to all the press that bullying was receiving as a result of recent teen suicides. One year later, the bullying epidemic is still at the forefront of media attention.

Anderson Cooper just aired another 360 program last Sunday night on bullying. He did the same last year. He had different parents on the program this year; ones whose children had committed suicide this year. He also had Dr. Phil participating along with other experts. Cartoon Network was again promoting their Stop Bullying-Speak Up Initiative, started last year.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, so there is a strong focus on finding a way to fix this problem. A children's entertainment industry daily newsletter I subscribe to reported that next week Sesame Street will air anti-bullyng programming for preschoolers. It was also reported today that Cartoon Network is partnering with Barnes & Noble and Simon & Schuster to promote their Stop Bullying-Speak Up Initiative with multiple platforms and resources.

For those efforts aimed at young children; preschool and early elementary ages, there should be positive results. But for those aimed at older kids, the job to change behavior is much harder. If we teach our children good manners and social skills at an early age, they become the good habits of a lifetime.

A year ago, 43 states had legislation requiring school districts to adopt anti-bullying policies. Today 47 states have that legislation. But we have to ask how much of it is proactive? How much is really preventive? How much is going to offer kids better ways to behave? How much will change kids' thinking so that bullying becomes un-cool?

We endeavor to break the cycle of bullying by redefining "cool."

Raising a "Cool Kind Kid"

2011-09-25T16:56:00.003-04:00

Here is the poem that I wrote shortly after 9/11 in 2001. As I said in the last blog entry, it has had a few changes over the last 10 years, but remains the standard for what a "Cool Kind Kid" is all about.

Raising a “Cool Kind Kid”

It all starts in the home
When a young child first says “please”
We follow him to preschool
Where he learns not to tease

Along the way with others’ help
He soon learns how to care
To be kind and honest
And play fair and share

When he steps outside his door
He then begins to see
That many different people
Live in his community

Asking what he can do to help
Gladly doing his chore
He puts the needs of others first
And cares about the poor

He learns respect for others
Himself and property, too
He appreciates what’s done for him
And always says, “thank you”

He’s known to be the friendly one
A really kind, cool kid
He stands up to the bully
“We don’t like what you did”

He’s learned to live The Golden Rule
At home, camp, sports and school
His kind heart clear to others
They see he’s “kind” and “cool”

Anyone who may have an interest in putting this poem to music; please contact me at www.CoolKindKid.com.
(copyright 2002) Barbara Gilmour, Etiquette, Etc., LLC

In Honor of 9/11

2011-09-12T15:17:00.007-04:00

Several weeks after 9/11, 2001, I was awakened with the following poem in my head. I tried for several hours to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I finally got up, got a pad and pen, and began writing it down. I always thought it would make a fitting tribute; perhaps as a poem or even a song. It is still waiting for someone to put it to music.

Over the ensuing years, it has been modified for camp and other themes, but it remains the standard for what a "Cool Kind Kid" can and should be. The next blog entry will contain the original poem. I want to give you the chorus, or final stanzas of the poem first, since they have more meaning for remembering 9/11. The chorus has had two endings. The original, given to me right after 9/11 is the following:

I'm a citizen of the USA
And proud to say I care
I'll fly our flag so high
They'll see it everywhere

I'll respect our
Rights and freedom
Until the day I die

And when I see our flag
Fly in a clear, safe sky,
I'll cry!

The second ending is:
I'll be happy when
I see our flag
Fly in a clear, safe sky

Children have so many questions about 9/11 that we often can get confused by what and how much to tell them. Honesty, though usually always the best policy, must be tempered with what they can relate to age wise. An important part of any social skills training is to instill a sense of patriotism and love of country in our children.

Love, Attitude, and Gratitude

2011-08-30T20:58:00.004-04:00

There have been quite a few blog entries here on the subject of family manners and how families can get along. That has not been by accident. Most of what our children learn about life and how to live it begins in the home.

We often treat our own families in ways that we would never treat friends, or those we work with. It's important to stress to children that their families deserve our best manners and behavior, not our worst.

Most kids like incentives, like praise for a job well done, and even more, like to be commended for doing something extra, or without being asked. Most like to be able to receive a star or check next to something they have accomplished; such as on a list or chart.

Good social skills training requires not only constant reinforcement, but engaging the kids in fun ways to create that reinforcement. We often use charts that are easily created by the kids themselves.

Have them create a chart for the week with three sections: Love, Attitude, and Gratitude. Under each heading have spaces for each family member's name, with columns next to it for the days of the week.

In the Love section the column heading would be "I said 'I love you' to:" check off each day that each family member hears those words from the child. In the Attitude section the column heading would be "I had a good attitude toward:" again check off the day for each family member. In the Gratitude section the column heading would be "I showed gratitude to:" and check off daily next to each person's name.

Every parent wants to be proud of the way their children behave and interact with others. Let's face it, the day will come when they go out the door and we have no control over what they say and do. A few fun lessons can make the difference.

The Golden Rule in Families

2011-08-11T19:34:00.002-04:00

We have talked before about THE GOLDEN RULE and how it is the basis for good manners. So many religions and philosophies in the world have a similar belief that it is now commonly referred to as The Global Golden Rule. For our educational purposes we use the following version: "Treat others the way you want to be treated."

No family can expect to have any semblance of peace and harmony in the home without our action statement for families: "I'll treat my family the way I want to be treated." Remind your children of the similar statement we introduced in our previous blog entry on The Golden Rule, which is "Treat others the way they treat you." Ask your kids what the difference is in the two statements. Having them create role plays to show the difference will help solidify the concepts.

One of the most important family interactions requiring The Golden Rule is that with siblings. A fun game to emphasize this is where you offer two types of scenarios to your kids. In the first, are things they do/or don't do within the home and family. We call this "I'll Treat Others..." Some suggestions here would include: "Respect each other's space..." Enter their room only when asked..." "Share toys, games, and stuff..." "Give compliments, encouragement, and affection..." Add your own.

In the second scenario, ask your kids to respond to each of the situations you presented in "I'll Treat Others..." with what they would do or say, under the heading of "So They'll Treat Me..." An important consideration here is to encourage your kids to initiate the good behaviors in the first scenario; not just wait for their siblings to do them first.

Forgive and Forget

2011-07-26T21:18:00.005-04:00

No family can live in harmony without FORGIVENESS. Remember the Magic Words? The two little Magic Words, "I'm Sorry" have so much power to change attitudes, feelings, and outcomes, whether between parents, siblings, or other family members.

Why are those two words so hard to say? I'm sure you know people who haven't spoken to family members for a long time because they couldn't admit a mistake, someone uttered an unkind word, or some other slight occurred, and they couldn't either ask for forgiveness or say "I'm sorry." How many families have been split apart because of a stubborn refusal to right a wrong, or let something go by. My sister has a saying that is appropriate here, which I find I am reminded of quite often, "Is it a hill to die on?" Think about that; is it really that important to be right? Is it that important that you are willing to forgo or ruin a family relationship?

Since our kids model the behavior they see us demonstrate, it is important to show them the value in forgiveness. Live with an attitude and desire to make amends when necessary. Show them how they can make up for something they have done wrong. Help them to understand when they need to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. Sibling squabbles will give you plenty of teachable moments; just point out the need for forgiveness and how to ask for it.

Without forgiveness there cannot be a happy, loving atmosphere in any home. It's best to admit we made a mistake, apologize, and ask to be forgiven. It doesn't matter what the problem is, the important thing is to resolve it and return to loving each other. We talked before about having family meetings to resolve conflicts. Forgiveness should be the end result of every family meeting.

As we are helping our kids learn important, life changing social skills we need to remember the most important part of forgiveness is forgetting about it and being a happy family again.

Positive Attitude? Negative Attitude?

2011-07-10T21:31:00.005-04:00

Our next tip for achieving family harmony is ATTITUDE. Our action word for this one is "Smile." Ask your kids what they think a positive attitude is and then what a negative attitude is. Then talk about how each influences family harmony.

A positive attitude in your family might include being pleasant and agreeable,
talking to one another, no expectations of being pampered, showing appreciation and not taking things for granted. Encouragement and support of family members and a willingness to help also indicate positive attitudes. Add to these, doing what you ask without arguing, like in the last blog, and sharing without complaining, have positive outcomes in families. Basically, in a home where positive attitudes are present each family member is shown love, kindness, and consideration.

Negative attitudes in a family generate grouchiness, fault finding, and selfishness.
Here we hear put downs, members demanding their own way, who are no fun to be with. These members often don't want to spend time with the family, and frankly, they aren't so pleasant to be around anyway. Demonstrations of love and support seem to be in short supply.

Ask your kids to create role-plays in which they are saying the right things to family, but their tone of voice and attitudes are wrong. I'm sure they can come up with some good examples, such as agreeing to take out the trash, but with a poor attitude. Then redo the role-plays after an "attitude adjustment."

I want to stress that having a good attitude doesn't mean denying your feelings.
We can't always wear a happy face. Sometimes feelings of sadness, anger, or upset affect attitude. Don't deny your feelings; discuss them with family. Let all your feelings in a family be real.

Here is a great social skills statement. "A positive attitude is contagious; but don't wait to catch it, be a carrier." Our attitudes influence how others feel.

Getting Kids to do What We Ask

2011-06-20T20:06:00.004-04:00

Continuing with our tips for family harmony, we are confronted with the dilemma of getting our children to do what we ask of them, without a fight. Though we call this principle OBEDIENCE, I know that some will frown at the use of this word. But what else would you call asking a child to do something and then expecting them to do it?

Not unexpectedly, our action statement for obedience is "I Will." Your kids will probably ask "why do I have to be obedient?" Here are a few arguments you can use. Things that need to get done in the home will get done efficiently. You will earn your family's trust. You may earn privileges, such as going out to play sooner. You may avoid being scolded or punished. You will be protected from potentially harmful situations. There will be more harmony and happiness in your home. If many of these sound like some of the same outcomes of being responsible, that is true.

It is a good idea to discuss with your children the level of obedience you require. Also present the concept of choosing to be obedient, rather than being forced to comply. It's fun to have them create role plays to show the differences here. Have one child demonstrate arguing about something you ask them to do, and another demonstrate throwing a tantrum instead of choosing to be obedient. Then discuss the results of the behaviors and how choosing to be obedient is the better choice all around.

As you are teaching your children social skills such as being obedient, it is a good idea to let them know the people in their lives that you expect them to obey. This would include adults in your family, their teacher, the local law enforcement, etc. As a measure of safety, stress to them the importance of "not" obeying someone whose requests are harmful.

Why be Responsible?

2011-06-08T12:01:00.003-04:00

As we continue with our principles that help create family harmony, the next one is RESPONSIBILITY. Our action word for that is "I'll Help!" I'm sure that whenever you try to teach your children about being "responsible," whether to help out with something or clean their room, you are met with arguments, groans, and the rolled eyes.

There are many reasons why every member of a family, even very young children, should help out. For some older children, understanding these reasons can often spur them on to helping more. Ask your kids why they think being responsible is important. Here are just a few of our reasons.

We show love for our family by our considerate actions. Is that being responsible? Of course it is. We all benefit from living in the house so we should all do our part to make things flow smoothly. We contribute to family harmony by doing our part. We prepare ourselves for adult life and having families of our own. Many kids aren't thinking about this now, but it is the training that they need to have a successful family later on.

Being responsible earns us the respect of our family. When parents see that we are mature about accepting responsibility in the home, they respond by giving us more privileges and freedom. Freedom and privileges can be earned by demonstrating responsibility. What teenager wouldn't want that?

Social skills training always includes ways to be responsible. Here are a few ideas to help your kids understand how you want them to help. Do chores that need to be done without being asked over and over. Do what you have been asked to do with a pleasant attitude. Finish what you start. Do your best, whatever you're asked to do. Have a careful attitude toward your home and the things that your family provides for you. Care for your younger siblings and pets. Have an attitude of gratefulness and respect toward your family.

"Let's Talk"

2011-05-27T11:15:00.002-04:00

The third principle in our ways to get along in families is COMMUNICATION. This word might need some clarification for your children, so be sure they know what it means. Encourage them to look up the definition and offer their suggestions for its meaning. We like to say that we can show love to our families by sharing our lives with them. Our action statement for communication is "Let's Talk!"

Sharing our lives with our families means that we need to have a constant dialogue going, where each family member is open and honest about their feelings, hurts, wants, issues, etc. No-one can possibly know what is bothering a family member if that isn't communicated to them. One of the biggest detriments to family harmony is giving someone the "silent treatment." This erodes the family in many harmful ways. So it is important to keep the lines of communication open.

Angry and disrespectful communication can also damage family life. Problems never get fixed if we pretend they aren't real or try to hide them and not talk about them. Good communication in families involves getting things resolved. Often it is necessary to hold a family meeting to get conflicts resolved. In this, each person has a chance to voice their side of the problem. The family works together to sort out the details and determine the consequences or the solutions. Each member agrees to abide by the family's agreement.

Good communication in families can be modeled and encouraged by good communication among the adults in the family. As we are teaching our children manners and social skills, the importance of modeling the behaviors we want our children to demonstrate can't be stressed enough. If you use the Magic Words daily, your family will also. If you encourage sharing and taking turns, the kids will soon learn that as well. If you are polite and civil in all areas and instances, that will be what your kids see as normal behavior. If you talk about issues and conflicts, your kids will learn that that is how to handle problems. Open communication isn't hard, it is just a good habit that can easily be implemented in any family.

Respect is Important in Families

2011-05-14T16:45:00.009-04:00

The second principle for achieving and maintaining family harmony is RESPECT. Ask your children what they think that word means. Then ask them what they think an action statement should be for "respect." It's always fun to hear what they come up with. We use "I'll Listen" as the action statement for respect.

Certainly, we want our children to respect us as people, respect their siblings, other family members, etc. And, we also want them to respect their home and the things in it; the property. But we want to stress here the need for children to respect their parents, caregivers and their rules.

Many children will ask, "Why should I do that?" We show respect to our families by listening to what they tell us because: They have lived longer and have learned from experience. They sacrifice their own needs to take care of their children's.
They make rules to protect their children and to keep them from becoming people that no one wants to be with.

Some children might think, "If my family really loved me, they wouldn't make me follow any rules." It's important that children understand that the limits, restrictions, and rules imposed by parents or caregivers are for their own good.

As you continue with this process of teaching social skills, help them to think of ways that they can show respect to you, the parents or caregivers. Offer some tips to get a dialogue started, such as, "When I call you for dinner, come right away." "When I ask you to share your toy with your brother, do it cheerfully." "When I tell you not to go somewhere, it's because I'm concerned about your safety."

As they learn to respect you, by listening to you, you will see that the other areas of family life, like getting along with siblings, or taking care of the family's property, will fall into place.

The Role of Love in the Home

2011-04-25T20:36:00.003-04:00

In a previous blog on The Magic Words, I wrote that we had added "I Love You" to our expanded list of magic words. This was done in part for the cool song "Magic Word Mambo," but also to help kids learn the importance of saying "I Love You" to their families.

In this blog the topic or principle of getting along in families is LOVE. The action statement is "I Love You." Most kids, and often other family members, don't feel telling someone that they love them is important. They believe, "they already know that I love them; I don't have to tell them all the time." But that couldn't be further from the truth.

Letting family members know how you feel about them is very important. Rather than me giving you a lot of information here, I am going to give you some topics or questions to get a discussion going with your kids about the importance of love in a family, how to show it, how others respond to it, etc.

What are some ways that we can show love for our families?
What can happen if we don't show or tell our families how much we love them?
Why do people say that love takes work?
How does love help families to overlook the mistakes and hurtful things that the family members sometimes do to one another?
What makes a home a happy one?
If someone is treated with love and respect at home, how will they act and behave outside their home?
If love and respect are present in a home, are the children more or less likely to be a bully?

As you discuss these questions with your children, keep in mind that teaching children manners and social skills involves every aspect of their lives.

Getting Along in Families

2011-04-13T10:08:00.004-04:00

Family harmony requires that we treat our families with our best manners and behavior. Instilling the moral values that we each consider to be important help our kids learn how we want them to live and provide the guidelines for that as we train and direct their growth.

When writing our elementary curriculum, we determined eight principles that we felt were important for children to learn and know about to be able to get along in their families. We then assigned an action statement to each principle. These action statements give kids something positive to do to help them better understand the principles.

Principle: Action Statement:
Love: "I love You"
Respect: "I'll Listen"
Communication: "Let's Talk"
Responsibility: "I'll Help"
Obedience: "I Will
Attitude: "I'll Smile"
Forgiveness: "I'm Sorry"
The Golden Rule: "I'll Treat my Family the Way I want to
be Treated"

Take some time with your children and ask them what they think each principle means. Then ask them what they would think an action statement for that principle should be. You might be surprised at what they say. As we explore the area of teaching children manners for living in families, we will cover each of these principles in more depth.

Our Moral Values

2011-03-22T20:25:00.002-04:00

In the last blog we talked about family harmony and the need to treat our families with our best manners, not our worst. We also mentioned the importance of establishing family moral values and guidelines for our children. A child growing up without these guidelines will find life hard to navigate; often getting in trouble for things no one told him were wrong.

So how can we help our children learn to live by the moral values we hold as important enough to live by and teach? Here are some scenarios that are fun when the kids create a script for each and act them out.
1. Choose friends carefully; if they share your values, then they will probably be doing the same things you have been taught to do (or not do).
2. Be your own person; choose not to participate in things you don't agree with, or are uncomfortable with, even when your friends might be doing it.
3. Carefully examine what looks like it might be fun, but may not be if it violates your moral values.
4. Listen to your conscience; that little voice in your head that tells you something just might not be right.
5. If you are not sure something is right or wrong, talk to your family about it.

The best test of all for detemining if something you want to do goes against your family's moral values is this scenario: You are on a stage with the curtain closed. Your family is seated in the audience. All of a sudden, the curtain opens and everyone can see what you are doing. If you would be embarrassed for your family to see what you are doing, you are probably doing something that is against your family's moral values.

As our children are growing and we endeavor to teach them manners and social skills, it is always hard to decide if we have gotten through to them. Then one day you get a glimpse of them behaving in a certain way, making a statement, helping someone, or doing something that you would do, and you smile, realizing that it did sink in. That makes all the training worth it.

Family Harmony

2011-02-28T20:15:00.003-05:00

Family harmony means living in peace, treating each other with kindness, respect, and consideration. This family harmony, or lack of, spills over into relationships outside the home.

Many of us put on our "best manners" when we go out to dinner, meet with special friends, or want to impress someone. Often, we save our worst manners, or behavior, for our families. Some people treat their famillies in ways they would never treat their friends or strangers.

It's important to teach our children that our families deserve our "best manners." Here are some things to consider. We spend a great deal of time with our families. They are the most important people in our lives. Our families invest a huge amount of effort and resources in our well-being. They are the people who love us no matter what we do. They are there for us and will help us when difficult times come.

Family harmony works as each person is taught what is acceptable behavior, what the family considers important, and what the family's moral values are. Values are "ideals and beliefs that have importance in someone's life and guide the decisions they make." Moral means "beliefs about right and wrong behavior." A family's moral values are "what they believe in and the rules the family lives by." The moral values learned from family influence the kind of person a child becomes, for example, whether he/she becomes a "Cool Kind Kid" or a bully.

Ask your kids to think of some moral values that you have taught them. (For example, that stealing is wrong, we don't lie, etc.) You may be surprised at how much they have picked up. By being true to your family's moral values your children demonstrate respect for your family.

The Impact of Personal Manners

2011-02-18T20:32:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the long time lapse between blogs, but I was away and then out for some surgery. Back to work now, and ready to go. I hope that those of you whose kids played our "Rude/Crude" game found it fun and you are seeing positive behavior changes. Whenever I have been exposed to a classroom or group of friends playing this game, the comments for the "What Do I Do?" part are usually hysterical. I have found that after 10 years of doing this, if it isn't fun for kids, forget it.

I was going to start with some tips on getting along with family, but I keep thinking there is more here to talk about. I can't stress enough the importance that personal manners and all that includes, and first impressions, and how they impact a child's life, really have such a powerful influence on how they interact with family, friends, at school, sports, etc. These social skills tools are so much more than just a few manners that are nice to know. For one thing, they are tools for helping equip a child to reject bullying and being bullied.

In a family, for instance, siblings who are confident will get along better. (We'll get to more about family in the next blog.) Where friends are concerned, again, the confident child will probably have more friends. That child will likely be better able to be tolerant and respectful of differences. In the classroom, we'll see the confident child, who is comfortable with himself and respectful of others, move into leadership positions. This one will welcome a new child to the class. The list goes on.

We will cover many more places that a child goes in future blogs. I'm remembering a few years back when we were conducting pilot studies with our elementary curriculum. Each of the many classrooms and after-school sites were doing 16 class times. I observed at almost all of them; along with other team members. The recurring report from teachers was the difference in the kids' confidence. Simple things like suggesting how they take care of themselves, why that was important, etc. helped the kids see that they were special, important, and worth making the effort for. Teaching them these small, positive steps that they could do for themselves helped them learn to be more respectful both to themselves and to others.

"Rude? Crude? What Do I Do?"

2011-01-24T20:03:00.014-05:00

"A 'Cool Kind Kid' knows that his body's sounds and smells are natural and normal and knows how to act when embarrassing events occur." Make a chart for your kids to play this game. List the behaviors/events down the left side. Make a column next to that where the kids can check off if the behavior is rude or crude (when done in the presence of others). Make another column next to that one where they can check off if they can control that behavior or event (or not). Then in the next column have them offer what they think they should say or do for each behavior.

Behavior/Events: Answers: Rude or Crude? Can I Control it? What to Say or Do?
Nose picking: (Rude) (Yes) (Do in private)
Cracking knuckles: (Annoying) (Yes) (Break this nervous habit)
Zit popping: (Crude) (Yes) (Do in private)
Scratching: (Depends) (Yes) (All but private parts okay)
Sneezing: (No) (No) (Cover mouth/say "excuse me")
Blowing nose: (No) (Depends) (Use a tissue/say "excuse me")
Burping/belching: (Rude/on purpose) (No) (Say "excuse me")
Spitting: (Crude) (Yes) (Do privately)
Using toothpick: (Rude) (Yes) (Do in private)
Coughing: (No) (No) (Cover mouth or leave room)
Choking: (No) (No) (Get help immediately)
Chewing gum: (Crude) (Yes) (Mouth closed/no cracking)
Combing hair: (Rude) (Yes) (Do in private)
Twirling hair: (Annoying) (Yes) (Break this nervous habit)
Applying make-up: (Rude) (Yes) (Do in private or restroom)
Stomach growling: (No) (No) (No comment necessary)
Farting, passing gas: (If done on purpose) (No) (Say "excuse"/ignore others')

Scoring Guide:
Rude or Crude? 1 point for each correct answer
Can I Control It? 1 point for each correct answer
What to Say or Do? 5 points for each correct answer

Your score:
119-06-Excellent, you are a "Cool Kind Kid"
105-96-Very good, you are not an embarrassment to yourself
95-76-Good, you are on your way to mastering this
75-56-Fair, you are catching on pretty well
55 or less- Need improvement, you need to go over this again

As in all social skills training, the goal is to provide the skills that kids need to boost confidence and prevent embarrassment no matter where they are or what they are doing. Personal manners help kids gain that confidence.

Bodily Functions and Events

2011-01-09T19:58:00.004-05:00

Bodily functions and their accompanying sounds and smells are all very natural and normal. They happen to everyone. Kids will feel more comfortable if they know how to respond appropriately. Equipping your kids with the social skills tools to handle these events can save them from being embarrassed.

We should often say or do something in response to our own bodily functions or events. A simple, "excuse me" will usually suffice. Sometimes it may be necessary to leave the room, such as when having a coughing fit during a play. However, when the event involves someone else's bodily function, the polite thing to do is ignore it.

We developed a fun game called, "Rude? Crude? What do I do?" to help kids learn what is rude, what should be done in private, and what to do with the events that happen beyond their control. The next blog will offer some of the tips we have created for handling what can be very embarrassing moments for children.

For those kids who seem to have a fixation on "potty humor," we can be thankful that they usually outgrow this stage. Ask your kids what they think are things to include here. Encourage them that the Golden Rule applies here; "Don't say or do anything that you wouldn't want someone else to say or do to you."

I Treat Myself Right

2010-12-20T10:31:00.003-05:00

In the last several blog entries, the focus has been on helping kids learn to respect themselves. This is essential for them to be able to respect others and their property. Another plus that comes from encouraging self-respect is the ability to make right choices and decisions about what they will do (or not do) to their bodies.

When a child understands how amazing their bodies are, how special they are, how unique and different we all are, and how okay these things are, they then have the self-confidence to reject abuses that they might see their peers doing. Get a discussion going with your kids about some of the abuses they know about. Depending on their ages, they will be offering different things. Most will be aware of smoking, drinking, doing drugs, etc. Ask them what they see other kids doing. Ask if they think things like overworking, not getting enough sleep, being a couch potato, overeating or starving yourself, are hurting their bodies as much as more serious things such as drugs.

Ask them why some kids think that abusing their bodies will make them seem "cool." Let them know what your expectations are for them regarding abusive behaviors. Emphasize that a truly "cool" kid thinks highly enough of himself to refuse to participate in this type of behavior.

People who are willing to abuse their own bodies are sometimes willing to abuse or bully other people as well. This could be because they value neither themselves nor others. Picking fights with other kids, or teasing and bullying younger or smaller kids often occurs because of the lack of respect the bullies have for themselves. We can help kids make right choices by providing the social skills training needed to build their self-respect.

My Amazing Body

2010-12-06T20:55:00.002-05:00

Getting kids to be aware of how amazing their bodies are is not always easy. One of the first steps is encouraging them to respect themselves. A fun way to create awareness with kids of how amazing their bodies are is to make a game out of it. You can start by acting out the following: I have to remember to tell my heart to beat, my lungs to breathe, my blood to flow, my eyes to see, my ears to hear, my legs to hold me up, etc., and my brain to coordinate all those things. Ask your kids to guess what you are demonstrating; all the things their bodies do automatically, without them having to think about it. If we had to worry about doing all our automatic bodily functions, we wouldn't have time for anything else.

Another game to help their awareness of their amazing bodies is to ask them to compare specific functions of their bodies to everyday products. Here are some examples to get you started. Our digestive system works like a food processor; it breaks down the food we eat and knows where to send it so we have the energy we need. Our brains can be compared to a computer; they are working all the time to make sure all our bodily functions are operating correctly. We can compare our eyes to a camera; they adjust to changes in light and distance. Our hearts are like a clock that never runs down; it is always beating to keep us alive. Our kidneys function like a garbage disposal; removing waste from our bodies. Ask your kids to see who can come up with the most body parts and functions and related products.

Helping kids grasp these concepts helps them better understand why and how certain things can abuse their bodies. As we encourage them in their social skills training to respect themselves, we can hope to help them reject some of the abuses so prevalent today.

Different but the Same

2010-11-21T15:23:00.002-05:00

So many of the manners topics in previous blogs centered on being polite to others. But, for children to respect themselves, they must first learn to be polite to themselves. We already talked about how each child is unique and special. A fun thing to do as a family is take time on a regular basis to tell each family member something unique and special about them. These positive statements go a long way to building a child's self-respect. It also lets them know that they are loved and cared about.

Each of us is made the same. Our bodies all work the same way. We have the same basic needs: food, shelter, and clothing. We all need to love and be loved. When kids understand this, it becomes easier for them to be more accepting of one another.

At the same time, we all are different. Our height, weight, and build are different. Our eye, skin, and hair color are all different. We have different personalities and intelligence, as well as talents and interests. How boring it would be if we were all the same. As kids learn to embrace the differences in others, they are better able to accept those differences as normal and okay. And, they are less likely to pick out things in others that are different and make them the objects of rejection or criticism.

We use an example in our educational materials that illustrates this in a fun way. It's an art project where each child gets a line drawing of an ice cream cone. The components of an ice cream cone are all the same. All cones are baked with the same ingredients. Ice cream is also made of the same ingredients, such as sugar, butter fat, milk, etc. What makes ice cream different is the flavor, color, and add-ins such as nuts, chocolate swirl, fruit, etc. Then you add toppings, which can be as different as you want to make them. You can make your ice cream cone reflect you and your personality and preferences. It can be uniquely you. As kids color and decorate their cone in the art project, they begin to see that something that starts out the same for everyone, can become quite different and distinctive. As they see how unique each person's ice cream cone creation is, they appreciate those differences.

As the adults, it is our responsibility as we offer our kids social skills training, to model attitudes that support the fact that we are all basically the same, and that our differences are to be accepted and embraced.

"I am Special"

2010-11-08T19:59:00.003-05:00

Every child is special. Most kids think they are special too. That can last until they begin to move out in the world; attending daycare, preschool or kindergarten. Once they begin interacting with other kids, they see that those kids might not treat them as mom and dad do. This can be confusing for a child. They need to be prepared for dealing with this.

As we saw in the previous blog entries on making a good first impression, kids are going to make a quick judgment about your child. It's important to help them learn how to deflect what are often hurtful blows. Social skills training needs to begin as young as possible to equip our children to live in today's world. We can't keep them at home forever, much as we might like to.

Personal manners, where kids learn to take care of themselves, help them resist some of the mean things other kids might say to them or about them. There are things you can do to build their confidence so they can handle these situations when they arise. Encourage your kids from an early age to feel proud of themselves when they bathe, shampoo, brush teeth, etc. Ask them what else should be included here. Create a chart with them where they can check off daily when they do each of these activities. When they see their progress, receive your praise, maybe get a sticker, and gain confidence as they check off each activity, they will be encouraged to continue these good behaviors. This early training will establish personal grooming habits that will follow them throughout life.

Talk about the following poem with your children. It might be fun to make up a song and some cool dance moves to the poem. If your kids like drama, have them create a role-play.

"I am Special"

I am special
I'm unique
I'm one of a kind
I'm cool and neat

I'm a first edition
There's none like me
I'm just the way
I'm supposed to be

I'll respect myself
Take care of me
I get one body
So I'll be "Polite to Me"

Bullycide

2010-10-17T20:37:00.002-04:00

I want to deviate from my normal blog entry to address the huge amount of press bullying is receiving right now. Bullycide is a term that has been recently coined to put a name on suicide because of bullying. I'm sure that everyone has heard the news reports about the many suicides recently because of bullying. In September alone, 5 boys/young men found no other way out of the torment they were experiencing as a result of bullying.

We now have the attention of the media, governments from small communities to federal, law enforcement, and the educational community. The night before Tyler Clementi's death was announced, Rutgers University, where he was a student, launced a two-year civility project. I would argue that college age is much too late to address the issues of rudeness, lack of courtesy and civility that lead to bullying.

Anderson Cooper's 360 on CNN and 20/20's recent broadcast are just two of the many programs covering this epidemic. Legislation is now in place in 43 states directing school districts to adopt policies to address the bullying and violence issues. Much of those policies are reactive; how to deal with it after it happens.

Dr. Phil, on CNN's 360 broadcast made several key comments. He said we needed to tackle this problem at younger ages; teaching kids better ways to behave. He also stressed that a one-time assembly, a few teacher-training sessions, and no-bullying policies aren't working. Rather, he felt the need for ongoing, in-class curriculum materials that will give kids tools to change behavior.

The most important thing I heard Dr. Phil say was that we need to teach our children that it isn't "cool" to be a bully. Our children are bombarded daily in school, their neighborhoods, and the media with the idea that mean, rude, and disrespectful behavior is cool, and that bullying is cool. As parents, educators, community leaders, law enforcement, and the responsible media, we have an obligation to our children to provide them with the tools needed to reject bullying and being bullied. We need to help them learn that kind, caring, and respectful are cool, and that bullying is the ultimate uncool.

Recent research is supporting the need for "social competence" training to help kids learn that they can be both kind and cool, that "The KIND kid is the COOL kid, not the bully." Let's offer them the "Cool Kind Kid" Challenge by asking them, "Are you TOUGH enough to be KIND?" "Are you COOL enough to be KIND?"

"Get Outta My Space"

2010-09-09T21:07:00.005-04:00

Another benefit of helping kids learn social skills tools involving personal space is for their safety. Encourage your kids to identify and protect their personal space from people they don't know, even though someone may make a great impression on them. Here are some tips for your kids if someone is in their space that they don't want there:
1. Take a step or two backwards and move away.
2. Joke about how close the person is.
3. Tell the person they are making you feel uncomfortable. They may not
realize what they are doing.
4. If the person insists on getting too close, or is touching them inappro-
priately, tell them to yell for help, find an adult, and get out of
there. In this case, don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings; the
child's safety is more important.
5. Have discussions with your kids about "stranger danger" issues, and how
you want them to handle these situations.

Since kids learn better when they are having fun, ask them to think of some fun characters and create role-plays regarding personal space issues. This will also help take the fear out of stranger danger discussions. A fun character we use in our educational materials is "Imouttahere Personal Space Crusader." Often a dose of humor can diffuse an akward situation. Some of Imouttahere's tips for kids include, "You're in my space!" "I don't talk to strangers!" "I'm outta here!" "You're making me uncomfortable!" "Don't get too close, I have B.O.!" "Don't hang on me!" "Please take a couple of steps back!" "If you stand any closer, you'll be behind me!" and "HELP!" Ask your kids to draw what they think Imouttahere Personal Space Crusader looks like.

It is also important for children to learn to respect the personal space of other people as well as their own. Encourage your children to be aware of how close they are to other people.

Personal Space

2010-09-09T20:28:00.003-04:00

Here's an exercise to try with your kids. While talking to them, quietly keep moving closer to them. What is their reaction? You will probably see them start moving backwards, away from you. We all have a natural tendency to be uncomfortable when other people "invade our space." Most kids are unaware of when they might be so close to someone that they make them uncomfortable. This kind of unconscious action can cause a child to be rejected by others. Identifying and helping a child learn to correct a behavior that draws negative attention to them is one of the important benefits of social skills training.

Ask your child or children to stand with space around each. Then ask them to raise their arms up to shoulder level, and spin themselves around slowly. This is their "personal space." Discuss what personal space is with them. Then discuss who we should allow into our personal space; family, friends, people that we like, etc.

A child has an innate sense of who they are comfortable having in their personal space. Don't force them to get close to people who make them uncomfortable. Also explain that there are cultural differences regarding personal space. In the US, a circle about as wide as your "wingspan" is your personal space. In other cultures, personal space can be larger or smaller than this circle. We'll cover more of this topic in my next blog.

Body Language

2010-08-17T20:35:00.005-04:00

In many of the blog posts just written about making a great first impression, we saw how our appearance, actions, and attitudes can have a positive or negative effect on how we are perceived by others. In additiion, we saw how these things effect us and how we perceive ourselves. In many of those situations, it is our body language that is sending the positive or negative message. You might be wondering how that can be. "How can my body talk if I'm not saying anything?"

When doing classes with kids, it's fun to provide cards or a list with some behaviors that the kids then act out, very much like charades. You can easily do this at home as well. Through this activity, kids get to see behaviors that they may be exhibiting, and then hear what others think of them when they do them. In cases where the behavior is negative and may have a negative impact on the number of friends they might have, or even be something that is encouraging other kids to tease or bully them, it becomes important that they replace these behaviors with more positive ones.

Grab your kids and ask them for suggestions of things they could act out. Include positive and negative behaviors. Some to include might be:
Positive-Interest in a person (leaning forward, making eye contact)
Confidence (shoulders back, head held high, looking alert)
Negative-Lack of interest in a person (leaning backward, body facing away from the person, looking away)
Anger (clenched fists and jaw, arms straight down at the sides, frown)
Boredom (staring at the ceiling, slouching, yawning)

Our body language can speak volumes without our saying a word. It's important for kids to understand that manners and social skills are about helping them present themselves in the most positive manner possible.

Actions and Attitudes

2010-07-31T12:09:00.001-04:00

Actions and attitudes, or what we do, affect our first impression as much as appearance, or how we look. In the role-plays mentioned in a previous blog on First Impressions, we saw kids who were neat, clean, and appropriately dressed, but who conducted themselves in such a manner that others were turned off by them. What was wrong? The way they acted and the attitude they conveyed sent a message that was negative; their behavior wasn't appealing to others.

Many of these negative behaviors can be easily changed with a little training and practice. Good manners training for children involves much more than how to hold a fork correctly. We already talked about the importance of good hygiene and posture in making a good first impression. We mentioned how facial expressions play a role as well.

Nervous habits, such as twirling hair, biting nails, pulling at clothing, and fidgeting are things that annoy other people. If your child exhibits some of these habits, or some mentioned previously, make a game out of redirecting the behavior you want to change. (Add this to the 5 Second Chart.)

The way a child speaks can have a negative influence on how they are perceived by others. Looking at the person they are talking to, and talking in a clear, strong voice convey confidence. Encourage them to avoid mumbling. Remind them to use inside voices when inside. (Again, add this to the 5 Second Chart.)

Attitudes are important because they can make or break a child's relationships with other people. A bad attitude can affect the whole family, the classroom, or a group of friends. A good attitude can have a positive affect on those things. It also gives people the impression that you are friendly so that they will want to meet you, or be with you. Showing interest in people or paying attention to them communicates that you like and respect them.

More on Appearance

2010-07-08T21:01:00.005-04:00

Our appearance, or how we look, is made up of several factors. Being appropriately dressed for the occasion, as was mentioned in the last blog, means taking the time to find out what kind of clothes are acceptable for what you are doing or where you are going. Most kids don't care about this until they reach a certain age.

I believe that one of the most important reasons for teaching our children to make a good impression is because being aware of their appearance, actions, attitudes, and the other things that make up a good first impression help them reject being bullied. Many people don't make the connection that being bullied can often be prevented simply by not doing some of the things that kids tease one another about, such as being dirty, having a sloppy appearance, or poor posture.

Good hygiene and grooming go hand in hand with making that great first impression. Kids tend to gravitate to the ones who care about themselves; they respect those who respect themselves. Kids can't change their build, hair color, or other features they were born with. But, they can change how they take care of themselves and how they present themselves, so they aren't left wide open to criticism. Nothing hurts more than being picked on and teased.

Have your kids help make up a 5 Second Chart. This chart will have columns for the days of the week, and items to remember before they go out each day. Include things like - my clothes are clean, my hair is brushed, I checked how I look in the mirror. Let them fill in more.

Good posture is as important as hygiene and grooming. Try practicing with your kids so they understand how to sit, stand, and walk straight and with confidence. Make a game out of this. (Include something about posture on the 5 Second Chart.)

Another aspect of appearance is facial expressions. Encourage your kids to have a pleasant, inviting appearance; one that will cause others to gravitate to them, to want to be their friend. (Again, include something on the 5 Second Chart about remembering to smile, etc.)

Social skills training encompasses every area of our lives, it provides the tools we need to know what to do and how to act in any situation we find ourselves in. Making these skills available to our children will equip them for confident, successful lives.

Appearance and First Impressions

2010-06-28T16:29:00.003-04:00

A first impression is an opinion or judgment that someone makes about us when they first meet us or see us. People form a first impression of us very quickly; in only 5 seconds.

You can help guide your child in how to make a good first impression through their appearance, actions, attitude, posture, body language, and how they treat other people. We'll discuss all of these topics.

Let's start with a scenario we use in our classes to demonstrate some of these things. Get your kids and their friends to act out the following role-plays. In the first, Appearance, a boy and a girl are wearing sloppy, dirty clothing, and have a very untidy appearance, but are friendly and pleasant, having good posture and eye contact. In the second role-play, Actions and Attitude, a boy and a girl have a neat and appropriate appearance, but they slouch across the room, look at the floor, fidget, twirl their hair, pull at their clothes, bite their nails, mumble, shift back and forth from one foot to the other, drag their feet, and put their hands in and out of their pockets. They treat other people disrespectfully, and they lack respect for themselves. If each of the kids in these role-plays says, "I'm here to tell you how to make a good first impression," ask your kids if they would believe them. Then ask them what they saw the kids in the role-plays doing wrong, and what they could improve.

Learning how to present ourselves in a positive way is as important as any other part of good manners training. If a person has self-confidence, they make a good impression, and vice versa, if a person makes a good first impression, it helps their self-confidence.

Appearance is one of the easiest parts to work on. Being clean, neat, and appropriately dressed are at the top of the list of importance. It doesn't mean having the most expensive clothes, but rather wearing what you have with confidence, and paying attention to the care and maintenance of your clothes. Appropriate dress means not wearing combat boots to the school dance, or a wedding gown to play baseball. A few simple questions, such as asking "Where am I going?" What will I be doing?" and "What will the weather be?" should give you all the info you need to make a decision about what is appropriate for the situation.

First Impressions - Yes, they are Important

2010-06-14T16:07:00.004-04:00

Let's change our focus now from communicating to something more personal; how to make a good first impression. The first thing to consider is how long it takes someone to form a first impression of us. When I throw this question at a group of kids, or even adults, the answers cover a wide variety of times. The answer is 5 seconds! That's a little scary when you think that someone will decide if they like you, or not, in that short time span. They will also decide if they want to be your friend, hire you, do business with you, date you, or whatever else constitutes a relationship with you.

Many people don't think worrying about the kind of impression they make is important. But, think about several candidates for a job, where all are equally qualified. You'd be crazy to think that the one making the best impression won't get the job; because they will every time. Preparing for a job interview requires brushing up on your social skills, as well as making the best first impression you can.

Now, lets back down in age to the high school scenario where it is prom time. Girls, and guys, who don't make a good impression on classmates could be staying home that important night. Caring about how you look sends the message to others that you are confident, and respect yourself.

So how does a first impression impact your younger child? Children who make a good first impression are more apt to have more friends. Their confidence helps them be a good friend; other kids will respond favorably to them, seek them out, and believe that they are the "cool" kids. They will be better able to resist bullying, because the other kids will see them as leaders and good examples.

In the next blog entry, we'll cover what constitutes a good first impression, and how to help your kids make the best impression they can.

Netiquette

2010-05-29T20:59:00.005-04:00

Netiquette = etiquette for the Internet. The Internet has given us a whole new vocabulary. But at the same time, it has also given us a whole new set of issues we need to deal with about using it politely and considerately. The Golden Rule helps teach children empathy and respect for others, as well as making them aware of their behavior, and how it impacts others. Those concepts are very important in their training to use the Internet.

Networking Nettie's Netiquette Notes, is a list of do's and don'ts for polite and considerate Internet use. You may have your own rules for your household, or you may select the rules from our list that are age appropriate and apply to your family's use of the computer and Internet. Some are purely safety measures. Good social skills training involves establishing rules you want your children to adopt, reviewing them, and encouraging their use.

Emailing:
1. Stop and think before clicking "send"
2. Check spelling and grammar before sending
3. Don't open anyone else's email
4. Don't send angry messages; and no "shouting"
5. Keep messages as short as possible
6. Check and respond to messages promptly
7. When sharing a computer, be considerate of your family's needs

Safety:
1. Never answer messages from strangers
2. Don't enter into relationships with people you don't know personally
3. Never agree to meet anyone alone that you have met on the Internet
4. Always Think Safety First
5. Respect the safety measures your parents have set up for you on your home
computer; they are for your protection
6. Never post anything on the Internet that will hurt someone
7. Remember The Golden Rule: treat people you are communicating with the same way
that you want to be treated

The Golden Rule of Cell Phones

2010-05-26T11:02:00.013-04:00

In an earlier blog the issue of The Golden Rule was raised, with information about the many religions and philosophies of the world that have a similar motto or slogan, if you will. The version we use in our materials is commonly referred to as The Global Golden Rule; "Treat others the way you want to be treated." This is still considered to be the basis for good manners.

Are we aware of the kindness, caring, and consideration we want from others when we are the ones using cell phones, texting, and taking pictures with our phones? Many incidences of teasing, excluding, and other activities kids are involved in today are happening on cell phones. Many think this is okay; that it is just "kids having fun." However, these seemingly innocent activities often escalate into harrassment, intimidation, and bullying. Bullying, in turn, can result in violence; which it has in many recent cases that are getting a lot of press.

It's important for kids to understand the difference between "treat others the way they treat you," and "treat others the way you want to be treated." (Yes, this is a repeat from the original blog on The Golden Rule, but it is worth repeating.) Since kids love role-playing, it's always fun to have them create scenarios and then act them out. Suggest they think of incidences they might have experienced that follow The Golden Rule, and then others using the adage, "he did it to me, so I can do it to him."

When kids have a clear understanding of the differences here, how they impact their lives, how they impact someone else's, and how they can prevent hurt feelings, loss of friends, and many other negatives, you will see them wanting to do the right thing. But, they have to be taught the right thing where anything new is concerned.

Social skills training is nothing more than showing a child how to use a new technology in a way that is convenient for all, but at the same time, considerate of everyone.

Cell Phones-What Can I Say?

2010-04-30T10:21:00.004-04:00

Cell phones are here to stay. They are a great invention and are essential to our communication. And, they are the cause of much rudeness in our society today. But, I'm sure that when the first car appeared, everyone was screaming about the rudeness of those new things pushing horses off the roads. So, over time, rules were put into place to help the horse drivers and the car drivers get along. Eventually these were made into laws. Isn't it interesting that many of the laws we have today found their origins in our attempt to combat rudeness and help us get along with one another.

Cell phones are no different. They are the new thing on the block, and we now have to determine ways that everyone can use them courteously, without killing each other. You can see this happening as more and more states are enacting laws regarding cell phone use. The rules for good manners certainly apply here; "Treat others the way you want to be treated." "Think of others before yourselves." "Be kind, caring, and respectful."

I'm sure you all have children who have asked for a cell phone. As in all the topics covered in this blog, preparing your children for a cell phone involves the same training, modeling, reinforcement, and encouragement, so they will learn how to use it with kindness and respect for others.

This topic will cover more than one blog entry, but for now I want to share a list of places where it's rude to use a cell phone. This is Carmen's Careful Cell Phone Code from our elementary curriculum. As you share these places with your child, engage them in a conversation about why these places are rude. It's important that they understand how this impacts others.

Carmen's Careful Cell Phone Code
It's rude to use a cell phone in the following places:
Movie, doctor's office, funeral, business meeting, class, store, public restroom, meal with family or friends, religious service, any paid performance, theater or musical performance, meal with clients, a date, a public event, and public transportation. And, not driving with a hand-held cell phone. Basically, any place that will bother someone else.

As technology improves, some of those places on the list will be removed. For example, many schools are now allowing cell phones in the classroom with apps that apply. The bottom line is to think about how your cell phone use is affecting others.

Call Waiting - A Pain or a Necessity

2010-04-23T12:46:00.003-04:00

In this day and age of instant communication, call waiting is likely a necessity, but it is also considered to be rude by many people. Obviously knowing how to handle it correctly can take away some of the sting of the rudeness. If your children will be using your home phone, if you still have one, teaching them the important social skills involving use of that phone are very important. A little training and practice with your kids will ensure that those who call your home will have a pleasant experience.

There is consensus among those who are trying to teach the proper ways to converse on the phone politely, which we can call the etiquette rules, that there are two types of call waiting.

The first is "Tell Caller 2 You'll Call Back." The second is "Tell Caller 1 You Must Say Good-Bye." Create two role-plays with your kids after going over some basics included here. In each role-play have them think up funny names for the call waiting participants, and have them be conversing about wacky topics.

In the first role-play, when the call waiting beep is heard, the person whose phone is beeping tells their friend they are getting call waiting, asks them to excuse them for a moment to take the other call, clicks the phone and finds out who it is. In this case, they should tell this caller that they are already on the phone with someone else and could they please call them back. Be sure to thank them and call them back. When returning to the original caller, say you are sorry for interrupting the conversation and resume talking. Note: if talking to one friend and another friend calls, it is rude to tell the original caller that you want to talk to the other person.

In the second role-play, when the call waiting beep is heard, after telling the person you're talking to that you are getting call waiting, there will be a different response. In this case, the incoming call is an important one, maybe your father's boss, and you will tell the new caller that you are on the line, to please excuse you to tell the original caller you must hang up with them, and that you will be back to them shortly. Then go back to the original caller, apologize and tell them that the call waiting call is important and that you will call them back later. Then click back to the new caller and either begin a conversation with them or get the person they called for.

This process takes practice, but you can make it fun by having the kids write the scripts. These are situations where the Magic Words are very important. Lots of "please," "thank-you," and "I'm sorry" will go a long way in smoothing over mistakes and eliminating rudeness.

Different Types of Calls

2010-03-14T20:07:00.003-04:00

It's a good idea to prepare kids for the many different types of calls that may come into your home, or that they may need to make. If they know in advance what you expect, they will be better able to respond correctly. First and foremost, is training young children about how to use 9-1-1. Remind them that it is to be used only for police, fire, and medical emergencies. When someone is playing with 9-1-1, a person who needs help immediately may not get it if the line is tied up.

Following directions and responding appropriately are important parts of social skills training. When there is an emergency remind kids to speak clearly and calmly. They should give their name, address, and phone number, even though the emergency operator probably already has it. Next, briefly state the kind of emergency. There have been many reported cases where a young child who knew how to dial 9-1-1, saved a family member's life.

Even with "do not call" lists, we still seem to be getting telemarketer calls. Good manners dictate that we not be rude to them, but treat them with respect. After all, they are only doing their job. Politely say, "I'm sorry, but we are not interested. Thank you."

Prank calls, though they may be fun, are childish, rude, and make people angry. Try to discourage your kids from doing this. If they are at a friend's house and need to use the phone to call you and don't have a cell phone, they should ask permission to use the phone.

For now, try to practice some of these with your kids so they are prepared for these kinds of calls, should they happen. Practice, practice, practice!

Talking about Talking on the Phone

2010-03-02T20:38:00.006-05:00

Sometimes when we are teaching children manners, it's fun to throw out some questions or situations and see how they respond. You might even consider orchestrating some role-plays.

For the following questions, ask your kids what they think is the correct response, why the behavior is right or wrong, and then see if they can figure out a better way, or the correct way to act in each situation.
How do people feel when you scream for the person who has a phone call?
Why shouldn't you listen in on or tape someone's calls?
If you dial a wrong number, what are some ways you can apologize?
(I'm sorry to bother you.)
When someone dials your house by mistake, how should you respond?
(It's no problem.)
Why shouldn't you make prank calls?

The next set of questions involves your child's safety on the phone. For the purposes of this blog entry, we will concentrate on the use of the home phone.
Why shouldn't you tell your name, address, phone number, or school name to
a caller you don't know?
Why shouldn't you tell someone that you are home alone?
What can you say if you are alone?
(My parents can't come to the phone. May I take a message?)

The safety questions above will give you a good opportunity to review how you want your children to respond in these types of situations. Review and repetition help solidify the social skills you want your children to learn.

Conversing on the Phone

2010-02-19T15:43:00.003-05:00

Having a conversation on the phone is much like speaking to someone in person, and many of the same rules discussed in previous blogs about talking and listening apply here. But talking on the phone is different, and other newer forms of communicating are even more different. We will talk about emailing and some other kinds of communication in future blogs. For now, let's focus on the phone that is probably still in many homes; the one you actually speak into and hear the other person.

Some of the differences between phone and in-person conversations include the following. The person on the other end can't see if you are smiling. They can't "hear" your facial expressions. They can't tell if you are paying attention and are interested in what they are saying. They have no way of knowing that you are really watching TV with the volume muted and you don't have a clue if they are talking about the weather or are inviting you to some great place. In that case, it pays to pay attention; you never know what you might miss.

Did you know that when you smile your voice changes and is more pleasant to listen to compared to when you frown. So smiling becomes a good thing to think about everytime you pick up the phone. One of the most important things to remember then, is to smile and speak clearly and pleasantly.

Just like talking and listening are things we do all the time, phoning is often something we do without thinking, which means we should put some thought into our phone voice and demeanor. It's appropriate to have some polite words and phrases ready to use on the phone. The Magic Words are always acceptable. "Thanks for calling," "Just a moment, please." "It's nice to hear from you," "I'm sorry, she isn't here now, may I take a message."

Most families have rules in place about when they allow their kids to use the phone, how they are to answer it, take messages, etc. If you are consistent with your training, reinforce the good manners
you are teaching, and encourage your children to do this in a way that pleases you and the people calling your home, you will be giving them a gift that they will perform correctly throughout life.

"Can You Hear Me NOW?"

2010-02-07T12:23:00.002-05:00

A conversation is made up of two parts. When one person is talking, someone else must be listening. Otherwise you are talking to yourself, which will leave you open to some laughs, criticism, and/or embarrassment. Who wants that?

Many of the same tips presented in Tips for Talking apply to listening. It is polite to be friendly and smile, sit or stand facing the other person, and make eye contact. All these things show the other person you are listening to them. You want to give them your full attention; looking and acting interested in what they are saying. It is helpful to nod your head, to show that you hear and understand them. Again, give them space and don't be in their face.

One of the most important good manners
rules about talking and listening is responding with answers that make sense and will keep the conversation going. If your friend is talking to you about the soccer game and how great it was when Bonnie scored the winning goal, and you respond with how great Connie did, it will be clear that you weren't listening. If your friend asks you a question and you respond "yes" or "no," the conversation will stop.

It's often hard to know what things indicate to someone that you aren't listening to them. Remember that poem in a previous blog called "Think, Then Speak"? The last two lines are important here: "Show others you care by listening, too, So they will want to listen to you."

Here's a fun role-play exercise to do with your kids to remind them of behaviors that indicate they aren't listening. Have them practice acting them out, which can be funny for them, until they are aware of these behaviors when they do them. Be sure to correct the behaviors when you see them.

Loser Loafer's Listening List (things that indicate you aren't listening)
Shift your weight from one foot to the other
Yawn
Slouch (both sitting and standing)
Sigh
Stare at the ceiling; looking around the room or at others
Check the time; looking at your watch or a clock
Tap your foot
Fall asleep
Answer with a dopey answer

We all want to be known as a good conversationalist. Following a few simple tips can make that happen.

Tips for Tallking

2010-01-17T18:02:00.002-05:00

Yes, we all talk all the time. And, yes, we do it without thinking about it. But, sometimes we need to stop and think about what we are saying. And, sometimes the way we say something might be conveying something very different from what we mean.
Good manners are all about thinking of the other person.

We can think of others and how what we say will be received positively by following a few simple rules. First and foremost, be friendly and smile. No-one wants to talk to a grouch. Sit or stand facing the other person so they know that you are intending to talk to them and that you are interested in having the conversation. Look them in the eye, not at the floor. Making eye contact conveys to the other person your sincere interest in them, (it also conveys your confidence). Speaking clearly and not mumbling assures that the other person will be able to understand what you are saying. This is especially important when conversing with someone who is hearing impaired, or may not be fluent in your language.

Giving people space and not being in their face shows consideration for the personal space of the person you are talking to. This is generally an arm's length on each side of the person, or their wingspan. When you are too close to someone, they will automatically back up; a natural reaction to being uncomfortable.

Speaking softly and not yelling helps keep the conversation pleasant, rather than offensive. And, thinking about what you are going to say ahead of time helps to insure that you won't say something that isn't tactful, or that might offend the person.

As was said in my last blog about topics and questions, ask sincere questions so that you convey sincere interest in the person and their life. Being positive helps the other person want to get to know more about you. And, lastly, respond with answers that make sense and will keep the conversation going.

Any info about talking tips must also include some of the dont's: Don't interrupt (only in an emergency). Don't ask rude questions (they hurt and offend). Don't talk while someone else is talking (you'll look like you are lacking good social skills). Don't talk to strangers (this is obviously for your safety).

"You said WHAT?"

2010-01-03T17:25:00.005-05:00

We wait excitedly for our babies to say their first words. Often it's a competition to hear them say "ma" or "da" first. We talk to them, hoping they understand what we are saying. And, of course, we sometimes fall into baby talk, which I have a strong aversion to, since it means retraining at a later time.

Then our kids get to the age where we sometimes wish they wouldn't talk so much; that we would have a moment of peace and quiet. Later we often wait expectantly to hear what they are going to say that might be embarrassing, or just be truth we would have preferred they hadn't blurted out. Eventually they get to the point where we can carry on a civil conversation, and soon they are gone, ready to take on the world.

Childhood happens in a flash. As "good" parents we have the responsibility of teaching our children manners and social skills. They look to us as the role models, and since they "model" what we do and say, we need to be careful that we are "modeling" good social skills. Kids all need rules and boundaries, and learning what to say and not say falls into those categories. In explaining the rules and boundaries of acceptable topics of conversation, and acceptable questions to ask people, the first and foremost consideration must be "Will I hurt someone's feelings?" "Is what I'm going to say tactful?" Remember being told to "Think before you speak?"

Here's our list of Totally Terrific Topics to share with your kids:
School
Classes
Teachers
TV shows
Concerts
Sports
Fun activites
Fads
Movies
News
Travel
Family
Hobbies
Friends
Vacations
Social events
Parties
Computer games
Church, temple, mosque
Social activities
Email

Here is our list of Tacky Taboo Topics to share with your kids:
Yourself
Personal, private things
Ethnic jokes or slurs
A friend's secret
Bad words
Someone's size
Dirty jokes
Pointing out differences
Family secrets
Pointing out disabilities
Gossip and rumors
Someone's age
Someone's flaws
Boasting
Bragging
Political differences
Nosy stuff
Religious beliefs
Someone's weight
Compliments you've received

While we can't follow our kids around to make sure they don't say the wrong thing, we can teach them the proper way to behave and converse with others. Someday, hopefully, they will thank us.

Making Conversation

2009-12-06T20:40:00.004-05:00

We know our families well, but everyone else we meet won't know anything about us, and we won't know anything about them. So, how do we get to know them? By talking to them. Talking and listening together make a conversation. Sometimes we say things without thinking and can hurt people's feelings, so it's important to learn how to talk and listen the way a "Cool Kind Kid" would do it; with kindness, courtesy, and respect.

From a very young age, you can train your child to think about what they say to someone; if it is hurtful, unkind, etc. Good manners are all about caring about someone's feelings.

People like to talk about themselves, so asking polite questions about them is a good way to "break the ice." It shows that you are interested in getting to know them. A child can ask a new friend, "How old are you? Where do you go to school?"

If you ask questions that require only a "yes" or "no" answer, the conversation is likely to stop. A better way is to ask questions that require a more complete answer. For example, instead of asking, "Do you go to Parker Elementary?" ask "What is the name of your school and what grade are you in?"

Compliments are a great way to start a conversation "What a cool team T-shirt. What kind of record does your team have and what position do you play?" You can then discuss sports and other related topics. Making "small talk" is the casual conversation we engage in to get to know someone.

A good conversationalist is someone who is respected by others. Their social skills are obvious and help them make a good first impression.

Talking and Listening

2009-11-24T15:22:00.005-05:00

One of the things that has been the most fun about developing our social skills and anti-bullying curriculum materials has been the poems that I have written. I am not a writer by training or any other means, and certainly never have been a poet. But, there are several poems in our materials that I have written that have surprised me more than anyone else. You have already seen a few of them in the blogs about Introductions. Most have come to me in that early morning time of creative inspiration. And, since kids love anything that is fun and rhymes, they have had positive responses to the poems. They are just one more tool for teaching children manners.

So here is a poem that has been a big hit, and shows kids how to talk and listen with courtesy and respect.

THINK, THEN SPEAK

Talking and listening are here to stay
They're some of the things we do each day
You can ask your friend what his dog weighs
But don't ask Mom, "How much do you weigh?"

Some questions are good, and some taboo
Think kindness, caring, and tactful, too
Think of how someone else might feel
And how you'd feel if said to you

Tell your Pop his hair looks great today
But then don't ask, "Is that a toupee?"
Your uncle has a new Chevrolet
Please don't ask, "How much did you pay?"

Speak softly, clearly, be sure to smile
Give your friend a chance to talk awhile
Show others you care by listening, too
So they will want to listen to you

Some have said that we all talk every day of our lives, shouldn't we know how to do it right? With the high incidences of rudeness in homes, schools, communities, and the workplace, apparently we all could use a few talking and listening tips.

Introducing Individuals

2009-11-15T17:02:00.004-05:00

Some people consider introducing others or individuals, the hardest introductions to make. Remember the poem in the beginning, "Whom to who, How do you do, Introduce me, Introduce you, What's all the fuss, I don't really care, I could pretend they're not even there." "Do I introduce older to younger? Younger to older? Men to women? Women to men?" Many people think that if they can't remember the rules, or can't do this correctly, it isn't worth trying, so they just give up.

One of the most important things I can impress upon everyone, is to put yourself in the place of the person who doesn't know the other people with you. They will feel extremely uncomfortable if they are left out of the conversation. So, the etiquette rule here is "even if you are not sure how to introduce two people correctly, just go ahead and do your best." There's a good chance they won't know you did it wrong.

Your child will have opportunities to introduce two adults; perhaps when you meet their teacher or coach. They should use title, first name, and last name. They can also offer what the relationship is. For example: "Mom, this is my teacher, Ms. Bertha Snodgrass. Ms. Snodgrass, this is my mom, Mrs. SallyAnn Baker." It's important to include the last name, especially if the parent's name may be different from the child's. If you practice this with your children before they need to use this social skill, they will feel more comfortable when the time comes.

So who comes first? Man, woman, older, younger??? Let's use this easy table:
Column A/Column B
Older/Younger
Teacher/Student
Women&Girls/Men&Boys
Boss/Employees
The President/You

The person in Column B is always introduced to (or presented to) the person in Column A to show them honor and respect. In other words, the introducer says the name of the person in Column A first. For example: "Grandmother, I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Frankie Figdoodle. Frankie, this is my grandmother, Mrs. Baker."

Once you try this several times, practice with your kids, and feel comfortable doing it, you'll gain a reputation for having very good social skills.

What to Call "Aunt" Susie?

2009-10-27T15:59:00.006-04:00

Your parents best friends tell you to call them by their first names. Is that okay?
Yes, if they have told you to do so. But, if your dad's boss comes to the house and you say, "Hi Bob," that is not okay. It is always hard to know what is the right thing to do. None of us want to be embarrassed, and that can easily happen. In our more casual society, people tend to be more lenient with the rules about how to address people. We all wonder what to do.

Friends and family come under the heading of first names usually, with titles added, such as "aunt," "uncle," or "grandma." When kids are meeting, addressing or talking to adults other than family or close friends, it is safest, and potentially less embarrassing, if they go the more formal route. This means using the person's title and last name. It is always better to impress an adult by addressing them properly, then being told to be more casual, than to be casual and get a look from them telling you that the casual approach was not pleasing to them.

So, here are some etiquette rules to make this easier: When meeting an adult, talking to them, or talking about them, call them by their title (Mr., Miss/Ms., Mrs./Ms., Dr.) and their last name.
When introducing yourself to an adult, introduce yourself using your first and last name. They will tell you their title, first and last name. If they offer some other name for you to call them, then you may do so.

You can practice this with your kids when adults visit your home, or when out. A fun art project involves them drawing stick figures of the adults in their lives. Under each stick figure they write the title, first name and last name, as the child should address each adult when conversing. Teaching social skills at a young age, with fun reminders, makes it easier for these skills to become the good habits that will stay with your child for life.

Meeting New People is So Much Fun

2009-10-04T15:55:00.003-04:00

"Meeting new people is so much fun, here's a little song to show you how it's done. It's called Introductions."

I am pleased to report that our "Cool Kind Kid" audio CD has now won 13 national awards. I just got notice that it has won a second Parents' Choice Approved Award. (It won the same award in 2004.)

"Introductions" is one of the kids' favorites. It has a catchy chorus and then two role-plays depicting the wrong way to introduce and then the right way. Most kids can relate to Mr. Mumbles, because he speaks like many of them do, by mumbling. The song shows kids in a very real way, how hard it is for others to understand them when they look down and don't speak clearly. Speaking clearly and looking someone in the eye are two important rules for both introductions, and for talking in person.

You can begin teaching your child manners just by encouraging them to look at you when they speak, and to speak clearly. I could never understand the logic of encouraging "baby talk." It just means that you will have to go back later and make corrections. Why not teach the proper, easy to understand way of speaking in the first place?

In the second role-play in the song, Easy Eddie introduces his cousin to his friends. He speaks clearly, doesn't mumble, and helps his cousin feel accepted and comfortable by introducing him to everyone by name. This role-play also teaches kids how to introduce a small group of people. Etiquette Rule: When introducing 5 or fewer people, introduce the new person, by name, to each person in the group, also by name. (For groups of 6 or more, introduce the new person by name, and then ask the people in the group to introduce themselves to the new person.)

Regarding introductions or any other manners/social skills topics; this is not rocket science. These are socially acceptable ways of behaving in this country, at this time. And, with a little practice, you will gain confidence every time you use these skills, and will be more comfortable going into new social situations.

Early social skills training gives your kids a great advantage in school, sports, and all their other social encounters.

Shaking Hands

2009-09-20T20:19:00.005-04:00

For fun, ask your kids if they know any cool handshakes. You may be surprised at what they show you. Encourage them to think of some fun ways to greet people. You might even ask them to do a little research into the greeting customs of other countries. As we teach children manners and social skills that are acceptable here, we should also make them aware that the customs of others are equally acceptable. And, even though cool handshakes are fun, they will need to learn how to shake hands and greet people properly.

You might also ask them if they know how the custom of shaking hands began. Most etiquette books state that when people carried weapons to protect their families and property, they would pull out the weapon when a stranger approached. When they saw that the stranger meant no harm, they would put the weapon away and extend their right hand to show the stranger they were no longer armed and that it was safe to approach.

Get your kids to practice with you or their friends as you go over the following steps to shaking hands:
1. Each person extends their right hand to meet the other person's
2. The "L" of each person's hand meets the "L" of the other person's hand
3. Each person wraps their fingers around the other's hand
4. Hold firmly - no limp fish handshakes and no bone crusher handshakes
5. Shake once, twice, or three times, no more

Some etiquette rules change with the times. However, this is one custom that will probalby never change in this country. A child who learns this social skill and practices with the adults who visit his home, will quickly earn the respect of those adults, and be more confident about going into new social situations.

Back to Introductions

2009-09-09T21:32:00.002-04:00

In my last blog on introductions, before I was sidetracked with The Power of "No" and a short vacation, we met Izzy and Isabelle. When doing classes, we have one child read the Izzy part of the poem, and another reads the Isabelle part. There is a third part to this poem, which the teacher or parent reads and the kids act out.

Just stick out your hand
Put a smile on your face
Stand tall and look in their eye
Say "hello" and your name
And they'll do the same
What matters is that you try

Next time we'll go into shaking hands in more detail. For now, get your kids together with a partner, facing each other. As you read the poem, direct them to act it out. Have one child say "hello" and their name, then the other child responds the same way. The rule for shaking hands is no more than three shakes. You'll see that as long as their mouths are moving, the hands go up and down. This can be quite funny. It takes some practice to do the talking while only moving their hands up and down three times.

Again, this is a social skill that needs to be practiced over and over, so it becomes natural. If you are in a classroom setting or your kids have some friends over, get the kids into two lines and practice this. Have each child move one person and introduce themselves to a new partner, then the one on the end runs around to the other end. The more fun you make this, the easier it will be for your kids to learn this skill.

The Power of "No"

2009-08-19T21:18:00.002-04:00

I have tried to keep this blog writing in some logical order; sticking to the same topic until I have exhausted all that I felt I could impart to you. However, the other night, actually probably early in the morning, I was awakened with "blog thoughts" in my mind. That was a first, at least for blog ideas. I have always had some of my best creative inspiration at that time of day. So here is the compelling information that woke me up.

Are we teaching our children the little word "no"? Back when I wrote the blog about how my son-in-law fed my 4 month-old granddaughter cereal, I said that if she spit out the food, a finger was gently placed on her mouth and she was told "no." She quickly learned to not spit out the food. Same thing when she threw the food; her hand was gently tapped, the food was taken away, and she was told "no." She stopped throwing the food.

If a child bites you or another child and you try to explain to a two-year old why that isn't the right thing to do, will they understand? Why not gently touch the child's mouth and quietly say, "no." Same with hitting another child, not sharing a toy, pushing on the playground, or numerous other situations. Just say "no."

What about a child about to pull a heavy object over that could potentially hurt them. I saw this happen recently and I instinctively yelled "no," but the child didn't respond. Fortunately, no-one was hurt.

The compelling situation that came to me the other night was a child darting into the street with a car coming at them. This is quite a frightening situation that can end tragically. Do you have a command that your child will recognize that will stop that child immediately? Does your child know that when you say "no" that they are to react and respond immediately?

Though this is more about our children's safety, it is also an important part of teaching children good manners and social skills. Kids want to please us, and they need to learn what is acceptable behavior, and what is not. Certainly you can explain to a child old enough to understand why a behavior is not acceptable. But at the same time, the frequent use of the little word "no" can provide quick and easy reinforcement.

Izzy and Isabelle

2009-08-11T20:22:00.004-04:00

Making an introduction tells the other person you think they are important and worth getting to know. And, it shows them courtesy and respect. Introductions make people feel more comfortable when meeting each other. Think how awkward it would be if the other people know each other and you don't know anyone, or only know one person. It is the responsibility of that one person who knows both parties to make the introductions. You could be embarrassed if you are the only one who knows both parties, and fail to make the introductions. Good manners and social skills are all about helping people feel more comfortable.

If people aren't introduced to one another, it will be hard for them to have a conversation. When you make the introduction and add something interesting about each person, they then have a basis for getting to know each other. And, you will feel good about yourself for having learned this important social skill.

Here's a question that many probably wonder about: Is it better to make an introduction the wrong way, or not do it at all? It's better to do it. Even if you can't remember the rules, just be friendly and everything will be fine. If kids are involved, most won't know that you did it wrong. Adults will think it great that you tried.

Practicing making introductions early and getting good at doing it will make it a good habit you'll never forget, just like riding a bike.

Here's another fun poem for the kids. First we meet Ignorant Izzy who really doesn't want any part of introductions:

Ignorant Izzy ignores introductions
He just doesn't know what to say
He pretends they're not there
Just stands there and stares
Hoping they'll soon go away

Then we meet Incredible Isabelle who loves to introduce others:

Incredible Isabelle includes introductions
They're one of the things she does best
She remembers their names
Tries to make it a game
Then moves on to meet the rest

Again, ask your kids who has the right attitude about introductions. Teaching good manners is always easier when you start as early as possible and are consistent with the training, correction and encouragement.

How Do You Do?

2009-08-03T20:09:00.007-04:00

Kids love to mimic what they see us doing. From a very young age, they can be taught grown-up habits, rituals, or rites. How to greet people is one of the first and easiest things involved in teaching children manners and social skills.

Every baby learns to wave and smile at others. This is the beginning of that training. As the child starts learning to talk, add the greeting magic words from my last entry. They can practice shaking hands with dolls, puppets, action figures, you, or the dog. Then they can learn to say their name. For example: "Hi, my name is Robbie."

Later, begin showing them how to stop what they are doing and come to greet a visitor. Whether Grandma or someone they don't know, encourage them to greet anyone who comes to your house, if only just for practice. This is a skill they will need throughout life.

I am not giving ages for these steps, because each child progresses at a different pace. You will know when your child is ready to learn more. We'll cover some more details in later blogs.

Here's a fun poem to teach your children. Have them act out the two parts. The poem actually contains the rules for introductions, presented in a fun way. When you are done with the poem, practice with them and ask if they want to be like Blake (the guy in Part 1) or Jake (the guy in Part 2).

Blake (Part 1)

Whom to who
How do you do
Introduce me
Introduce you

What's all the fuss
I don't really care
I could pretend
They're not even there

Stand, smile
Look them in the eye
Give them space
Don't be in their face

Rules, rules
I don't really care
I could pretend
They're not even there

Jake (Part 2)

Shake their hand
One, two, three
I could ask
What they want to be

Speak clearly
Listen carefully
Maybe I could be
More mannerly

I'll try my best
To do it right
I want to be
A kid who's polite

The Greeting Magic Words

2009-07-20T16:12:00.002-04:00

The last of our expanded Magic Words are the 4 Greeting Magic Words. They are "hello," "good-bye," "good morning," and "good night." These 4 words are included in our fun song, "Magic Word Mambo."

We conducted pilot studies with our elementary curriculum in various types of schools and after-school programs. When I went in to one school to observe one day, the principal stopped me. She was excited to tell me that her students were starting to greet her when they saw her. She said, "My students are saying 'hello' or 'good morning' to me, which they never did before. And, I hear them singing 'Magic Word Mambo'." She also observed that when the students greeted her, they were looking at her, which she saw as a sign of increased confidence. Because they had been taught what to do in a new social situation, they were more confident about going into that situation.

Teaching children manners is so much more than showing them how to hold a fork. A little thing like stressing the importance of greeting other people when seeing them, instills good habits that will follow a child throughout life. Adults will remember that child as having positive social skills, and will have more respect for them.

You might ask why we should worry about whether our child answers the phone by saying "Yo!" or "hello?" As this child gets older, the person calling might be offering a babysitting or lawn mowing job, and the child who answers the phone politely will have a better chance of landing the job. That same scenario will follow that child to every job interview.

A child who is exposed to and encouraged to use social skills such as the 4 Greeting Magic Words, will eventually gain confidence about using those skills. Start as early as possible to train your children to use the 4 Greeting Magic Words. Teach them to say "hello" when seeing someone and "good morning" when first seeing you or other family members in the morning. Later, these greetings follow them to the carpool and preschool, and then the school bus, classmates and teacher.

When they are old enough, teach them how to answer the phone with "hello and good-bye." They can easily learn that their end of the day routine includes "good night." And, that when leaving someone, they should say, "good-bye." The more they hear you model this behavior, the easier it will be for them to learn it. Soon, it will be second nature to them. You'll know you have been successful when someone comments on your child's good manners.

The "Family" Magic Words

2009-07-09T20:23:00.002-04:00

In my last blog I introduced you to our expanded Magic Words. In addition to the 5 Original Magic Words, we are teaching kids the 4 Greeting Magic Words, and the 3 Family Magic Words.

The Family Magic Words are very obviously "I Love You." Though we all consider these three little words to be quite important, how many of us use them on a regular basis, and with sincerity. When encouraging children to use these words in classes or through our curriculum materials, we always hear, "My family knows I love them, I don't have to tell them." To which we reply,"So tell them, anyway!"

We all love to hear someone tell us we look nice or we did a good job at work. Why not remind the people we care most about, how much they mean to us. Saying those three little words can make or break a family member's day. It can give them the encouragement they need to try a little harder, go for the better job, or pull them out of a funk.

Teaching children manners begins at home. If we constantly tell our kids that we love them, they will grow up feeling cared about, more self-assured and self-confident, that they matter, and will be better able to show love and compassion to others. And, if we say it to them, they will learn to say it back to us and to others.

A fun social skills game that you can do with your kids involves having a contest where each person tries to see how many times they can say "I Love You" to the most family members in a day or week. Keep the contest going until this becomes a good habit with your family; one that will stay with your kids for life.

Magic Words 5 + 4 + 3

2009-07-02T15:23:00.003-04:00

I would guess that everyone has had some exposure to "The Magic Words." How many of us remember being told to say "please" when we wanted something. Hopefully we are requiring use of The Magic Words as we teach our own children good manners.

The Magic Words are one of the many pleasantries that we are not hearing so much today. They are words that help us be thought of as kind, caring, respectful, and all those other "good character" traits that we want to instill in our children. I'm sure that you all can list the 5 Magic Words; "please," "thank-you," "you're welcome," "excuse me," and "I'm sorry." If you want something, you say "please." If someone gives you something, you say "thank-you." When someone says "thank-you," you say "you're welcome." If you hurt someone's feelings you say "I'm sorry." And, if you bump into someone, or need to use the restroom, you say "excuse me."

When writing our elementary social skills and character values curriculum, I felt the need to add more to the above list of Magic Words. So we created The Greeting Magic Words and The Family Magic Words. The 4 Greeting Magic Words are "hello," "good-bye," "good morning," and "good night." The 3 Family Magic Words are "I Love You."

When giving my songwriter the material and content I wanted in the 17 songs that are on our award-winning "Cool Kind Kid" CD, I asked to have all The Magic Words be part of a song. He created a fun song called "Magic Word Mambo," which is one of the kids' favorites on the CD. I am singing it as I write this because the tune is so catchy. "Hello, goood-bye, good morning, good night, please and thank-you, you're welcome, all right. I'm sorry and excuse me too, and most importantly, I Love You."

We need to encourage the use of all these Magic Words as we train our children to be kind, caring, and considerate people.

Dining Out with Little Ones

2009-06-14T21:31:00.004-04:00

Dining out with children can be an exhausting, frustrating experience for you, the parents, as well as for those who are eating around you. But, it doesn't have to be this way.

Remember that earlier blog where I mentioned the stickers I gave out in restaurants to kids who were behaving nicely? Try to think of all the ways that you can encourage your child to be the one others think is worthy of a sticker. Be sure to point out other kids' behavior and ask your child to comment on whether it is polite or rude. Ask your child to idenfity what another child might be doing wrong. This helps them learn what is the right thing to do when dining out.

If you are eating out later than your children's normal eating time. consider feeding them at home first and taking some activities for them to do at the table. You may bring a small snack that isn't messy if you know the meal will be long. There is nothing more annoying to other diners than a loud, whiny child. From the time you begin table manners training at home, encourage your children to sit at the table quietly until everyone is finished. Then when you go out to eat, you will find that your advance preparation has paid off; you will have a more pleasant experience, and you will be showing consideration for others.

Encourage your children to participate in conversation during the meal. This is a good time for them to share their lives with visiting grandparents or other relatives. Prep them ahead of time to thank the person who treated them to the meal, and those who served it. Praise your child's good behavior throughout the meal. It won't be long before others will be impressed with your child's behavior.

Polite and Right and Rude and Crude

2009-06-01T20:16:00.006-04:00

Sometimes the easiest way to teach a child table manners is to have fun materials that they can play with that remind them what to do and not do. For the table manners lesson in our Tanner's Manners: Be a "Cool Kind Kid" Social Skills and Character Values Curriculum, we developed a fun laminated placemat. This placemat is white with black printing, so it can be colored over and over with washable markers.

The titles are "Do you live in the Rude and Crude World?" or "Do you live in the Polite and Right World?" The Polite and Right side shows the correct place setting, which teaches a child where the utensils go. The Rude and Crude side shows a crazy mixed-up, wrong place setting. There is text around each place setting; table manners do's on the Polite and Right side, and table manners don'ts on the Rude and Crude side.

I thought it would be fun to offer the two lists of do's and don'ts here so you can share them with your children.

Rude and Crude:
Reaches across the table, Chews with mouth open, Plays with food, Rocks the chair, Talks on cell phone, Lowers head to plate, Slouches, Talks with mouth full, Burps, Slurps, Grosses others out, Elbows on the table, Says "yuk! I don't like that!"

Polite and Right:
"May I be excused?" "Please pass the _________." "Thank you," Passes left to right, Sips soup quietly, Raises utensils to mouth, Washes hands first, Takes small bites (able to chew with mouth closed), Napkin in lap, Helps clean up, Participates in conversation, Compliments the cook, Sits up straight, Elbows off the table.

You might want to make a placemat of your own with your child. Art projects are a fun way to teach kids manners.

Setting the Table

2009-05-21T20:15:00.002-04:00

How to set a table varies with customs and cultures. In the US, we eat with forks or spoons and cut with a knife. If your child is not used to using these utensils, introduce them as soon as possible. They are also called flatware or silverware.

Learning how to set the table is one of the first things a child can do that is a "grown-up" activity. Good table manners involve setting the table as well as how to eat. For casual, family meals, it is okay to place only the utensils that will be needed for that meal on the table. If you are having pizza you won't need the same utensils that steak would require.

An easy way for a child to learn what goes where in the place setting is to have them count the letters. There are 5 letters in spoon, knife, drink, and glass, and 5 letters in "right," so those items go on the right. There are 4 letters in fork, roll, and our creation, "wipe face" (meaning the napkin), and 4 letters in "left," so those go on the left. We created the "wipe face" name because in a more formal setting the napkin would go in the middle, which coincidentally has the same number of letters as napkin. This didn't work for the casual setting, thus "wipe face" for the napkin.

Your child can begin setting the table as early as 2-3. As always, train, correct, and praise. Learning dining skills takes practice. Kids love being part of this grown-up activity and contributing to the family meal.

Table Time

2009-05-10T19:58:00.004-04:00

By the time children start school, they should be able to sit quietly with the family at the table for meals. Turn off the TV and avoid other distractions. Starting this habit of eating at a table as early as possible sets in motion the creation of good habits that will follow your child throughout life.

Here are some tips for teaching children good table manners. Chewing with their mouth closed is usually a challenge. Encourage them to take small bites of food so their mouth will fit around them. At this age, they can be taught to not talk until their mouth is empty. If someone asks them a question when their mouth is full, train them to raise a finger, pointing to their mouth, indicating that they will respond when done chewing.

We have already talked about utensils and introducing them as early as possible. By school age, they should have mastered these, and have the manual dexterity to eat properly. As always, correct and praise.

Encourage them to sit up straight and keep their feet in front of them. Food actually digests better with good posture. So many people today are slouching over the table when eating and resting their arms on the table; some even holding their heads up as they eat. This is not good table manners . Children this age can be taught to keep the hand they are not eating with in their lap, unless they need to cut something.

Another bad habit many fall into is keeping their elbow on the table as they eat, lowering their head to the plate, rather than picking their arm up and raising the utensil to their mouth. This is definitely one of those dining skills that will require proper modeling, then instruction and encouragement.

It is important to teach your children to participate in friendly conversation during the meal. This is not the place to air grievances, or bring up distressing issues. The family meal should be as peaceful as possible, with everyone having an opportunity to share their day. Not only does this time spent together teach and reinforce important social skills, but it contributes to family closeness and bonding, so sorely needed today.

Terrible Twos and Toddlers, Too

2009-04-29T21:43:00.004-04:00

A toddler learning to use utensils can be fun to watch. Of course fingers are much faster and easier. Many people think that two is too early to be worried about how their child eats. But I think you can try any new skill whenever your child shows an interest; and you can encourage that interest by showing him how grown-ups eat.
Since most kids want to learn how to be more "grown-up," and want to do what pleases us, he will probably want to try to eat like he sees the adults in his life are eating.

I strongly advise presenting utensils as early as possible. There are many on the market that are designed for little hands. Until your toddler has the manual dexterity to master them, present the utensils and show him how to use them. Let him practice, and be patient while he is learning this "grown-up" way of eating. Patience and practice, and practice and patience will be needed until he gets the hang of it. Always praise him when he does it correctly.

Holding drinks in glasses is a new challenge for little hands. Present the drinks in small size glasses, preferably plastic, and request those when dining out. Also, restrict the amount of ice that is in a drink to prevent the glass from sweating and becoming slippery and harder to hold. When spills happen, encourage him to help clean it up. This is a normal part of the learning process. Let him know that it is okay, and maintain your cool. Encourage him to try again. Eventually, he will master this new dining skill.

Teaching children table manners doesn't happen in one meal.

Avoiding the Mess; Dining for the Very Young

2009-04-21T20:10:00.003-04:00

I can't stress enough the importance of teaching children manners and dining skills as early as possible. As I said before, allowing habits to form that are not really what you want your child to be doing, just make it harder to change later.

Getting back to the baby; when you think he is ready for a sippy cup, put a little liquid in it and offer it to him. Show him what to do with it and be patient while he experiments. This cup presents a whole new challenge for a baby. Yes, there will be spills, but you don't have to allow the cup to be thrown around, or its contents poured on the floor. Teach the proper way; encourage and enforce it. Remember, he wants to please you.

At this age, your child should be eating in a high chair, or some other contained seat. He can be taught to sit with the family while everyone is eating. You can space his meal out, so he has some food in front of him throughout the family meal. If he gets fidgety, offer some small, washable toys to play with.

I encourage families to sit together at the table for as many meals as possible. Begin training your children to eat at the table from the time they are able to sit there, either in a chair or high chair. Set up specific places and times for eating, with no distractions. Being allowed to eat while watching TV or walking around instills bad habits you will wish you hadn't ignored. This is a great time for the family to share their day with one another.

Though etiquette rules regarding eating together at a table have been relaxed for several decades now, new research is showing the positive benefits of sharing meals, to both the children and the family as a whole.

Praise Can Make the Difference

2009-04-05T18:05:00.004-04:00

There is still much more to cover about teaching children table manners. However, I told you in the last entry that I would share a technique that I have used for years. When I first started teaching manners classes to kids, I had gold stickers made which said "Good Manners Award." I gave them out in class. What a difference a little gold sticker can make. The kids who received them were thrilled; and those who didn't tried harder to learn the material so they could get one.

I started carrying the stickers with me all the time. When we were out to eat, if I saw children behaving well, I would approach their table and say "excuse me" (because just interrupting would be rude.) I would then say how pleasant it was to eat next to such quiet, well-behaved children, and give them a sticker. I would explain to the parents that I was a children's manners instructor and that I couldn't say anything to the ones who were rude and obnoxious, but I liked to offer praise to the children who were well-behaved. I also encouraged the parents to keep up the good work; that people do notice. The responses were amazing. I wasn't concerned with how the kids held a fork, but with the fact that they were quiet, not running around, or bothering other diners.

When my granddaughter Nicole was 3-5, she thought it great fun to watch other kids when we went out to eat. She would tell me which ones I should give a sticker to and which ones shouldn't get one. What a great lesson that was for her.

So many parents today are torn between all the conflicting opinions of child rearing, child discipline, etc. And, they rarely get praised for the good things they've accomplished with their kids.

I no longer have stickers, but will still approach a family of well-behaved kids whenever I get the opportunity. This is something that would be fun to try with your kids. You don't need stickers to do this. Stress to them that other people do notice their behavior. Ask them if they want to be the child who deserves a sticker? You can ask them what they see someone else doing wrong, and why. Someday, hopefully your children will be on the receiving end of someone's praise for their good manners. You will feel great knowing that all the training, guidance, correction, and encouragement have been worth it.

Back to Babies-They're so Cute!

2009-03-30T20:37:00.003-04:00

Sorry if it seems like I am jumping around with topics, but I tried to give some background info in the first few blog entries. Then I talked about my granddaughter and how young you can start training a child. Not everyone has children so young now, so I am attempting to offer helpful tips for kids of different ages. So bear with me as we cover a variety of topics for kids of different ages. For the next few entries we will be concentrating on teaching children table manners or dining skills.

Of course we all think babies are cute. But what happens when that cute baby becomes an out of control person we don't recognize. Eating can be a time for that hidden person to emerge. Have no fear; don't panic. A few simple tips, and you can have the best behaved baby at feeding time. Remember the 4 parts we already talked about: training, guidance, discipline/correction, and the all important, encouragement. Even a young child wants to please us, so praise and encourage!

When feeding your baby encourage small mouthfuls, cleaning up his mouth as you go. He should not be able to reach the bowl or play in it. As he begins to eat more foods on his own, he can be taught to put only a few pieces into his mouth at a time (safer), not to spit out the food (don't laugh-it encourages more spitting), and not to throw it on the floor (remove the food a few times and watch this behavior stop).
Accidents will happen. Emphasize the correct way to do the behavior that caused the accident and try again. Patience! Patience! Patience!

Keep in mind that you are training your child with skills that will stay with him throughout life. Also remember all the kids you watched in restaurants who made you say, "If I ever have kids, they will never behave like that!" Be aware that others are more likely to notice your child's misbehavior before they notice his good behavior.

Next time I am going to tell you about a habit that I started many years ago that encourages parents to be aware of their kids' manners when dining out. The day this happens to you, you will believe that all the training (frustration), guidance (again and again!), discipline/correction (will he never learn?), and encouragement (I love it when he does it right) are all worth it.

Manners Rules Help Us Get Along

2009-03-19T19:47:00.003-04:00

Manners and etiquette rules are very similar to game rules. Imagine a pro football team playing a game with no rules. There would be chaos on the field. How would you know which horse won the race if there wasn't a rule that said the winner was the first to cross the finish line. What if your teammate knocked you down on purpose and no-one said anything.

Kids need to understand that we need rules so we know how to get along with one another. Try discussing these scenarios with your kids. What if we wanted to go somewhere in the car and there were no traffic lights or stop signs? Do you think everyone would stop and say, "you go first?" What if we could drive at any speed we wanted? Would we be safe? What if someone decided that they liked your house better than theirs, and moved in?

Teaching children manners can be fun when you offer them some role-play ideas of what can happen when we try to live with one another without rules. Set up the following games with your kids and their friends:
Game 1: No Rules-Everyone get in a straight line. When I say 1, 2, 3, go, begin the game. Ready? 1, 2, 3, GO! Watch their expressions as they realize they don't know what to do. Think about- What if a game had no rules? How would you know when you scored a point? How would you know when it was your turn? Or who won?

Game 2: Different Rules- Set up some games where the rules are different: for example, players who are wearing blue get to take two turns, but players who are wearing red have to skip every other turn. The Red Team has to get the ball in the hoop to score, but the Blue Team only has to talk about getting it in the hoop.

You will hear plenty of "That's not fair!"

The rules of a game are valuable because they help everyone to have fun and keep people from feeling that they are being treated unfairly.

Manners rules serve the same function; they help people get along and have fun.

Train, Guide, Discipline, Encourage

2009-03-13T17:57:00.003-04:00

Teaching children manners is not easy and doesn't happen overnight. Many of us give up before the first skill is learned. Keep in mind that if you allow your child to be unruly and disrespectful, you are leaving yourself open to criticism from friends and family. And, you are doing the child a great disservice by not equipping them with the social skills that will make their lives more fun and successful.

Here are some easy steps to remember. As I have said before, children want to please us. They need (and want) training, guidance, discipline, and encouragement. If you are not sure how to teach your children the manners, etiquette, social skills you feel they need, you can choose from hundreds of books that are available.

Training is no more than teaching the skill you want your child to learn. It might be how to hold his fork, put away his toys, or share something with his sister. Repeat this as often as necessary until the child learns this new skill.

Guidance is your helping them master the skill, and modeling it for them. This is where it can sometimes get frustrating. Remember, patience is all important here.
Offer praise and encouragement each time the skill is successfully demonstrated.

Discipline is the hard part. Some kids just don't want to learn something new and will balk. Discipline is the correction that will be needed throughout the learning process. By discipline, I don't mean harsh punishment, but gentle, loving
correction.

Praise and encouragement go hand in hand to keep the child focused on this new behavior. Remember, learning good manners is a process. These are skills that will eventually become the good habits that will follow your child throughout life.

"Do as I Do, Not as I Say"

2009-03-05T20:28:00.002-05:00

You are probably wanting to read that title again, thinking it is backwards. And you are right. We all like to think that our children will do what we tell them to do, or "what we say." But the reality is that kids will model the behavior they see around them. So from the earliest ages our kids will copy what they see us, their parents and caregivers, doing.

It's hard to convince a young child that a double standard can exist in their household. They are very focused on "what is fair" or not. And, they have a strong sense of wanting to mimic what they see as right or correct behavior coming from those they love, look up to, and respect. Try teaching manners to children who are seeing the opposite behavior every day. It doesn't work.

What this means is that if we want our kids to learn to be kind, caring, polite and considerate, then we need to be that kind of role model. Social skills for children don't just happen. They must be taught, modeled, and encouraged daily.

When to Start Teaching Manners

2009-02-22T19:04:00.007-05:00

Many people have asked me when they should start teaching children manners? My response is usually sooner rather than later. It's always better to teach the right way to do something initially, rather than not teaching it and having to go back later and undo what was taught, or allowed, and then have to teach it again. That method has never made sense to me. And, you run the risk of frustrating yourself and the child as you try to change a behavior that has already been introduced as permissible or okay. This is also confusing to the child.

When the question comes up about when to start teaching table manners to a child, I usually tell this story about my granddaughter, Nicole. When she was 4 months old my daughter began feeding her cereal. She had cereal everywhere; on herself, on her mother, and all over the room. After a few days of this, my son-in-law asked to try feeding her. She was in an infant seat on the counter. He made two changes; first he held both of her hands in her lap with his left hand, and fed her with his right. Second, he held the spoon front and center and fed her only when she faced forward.

When I heard about this, my first thought was "how cruel!" But, when I saw her a few weeks later, I was surprised at how well she ate her cereal. When placed in her infant seat, bib on, she placed both her hands in her lap, all by herself. And, when she was ready for a mouthful of food, she moved her head to the center, where the spoon was waiting. After each mouthful, her mouth was cleaned with the spoon. If she spit the food, a finger was gently placed on her lips and she was told "no." Spitting was no longer a problem. Later, when eating more on her own, if she threw her food, she was again gently, but firmly, told "no." Amazingly, the throwing stopped. This child has been taken out to eat from this young age and has always been a delightful dining companion.

Some of you may think this harsh, but remember that this "training" was done with love, gentle reminders, and lots of praise. Children, even very young ones, want to please us. And the praise and encouragement are the all important components that make the child want to repeat the good behavior that we like so much.

Redefining Cool

2009-02-12T20:32:00.003-05:00

Kids today are bombarded on a daily basis in school, in their neighborhoods, and on TV with the idea that the rude, disrespectful person is the "cool" person. They see people they look up to as role models sending the message that the unkind person is cool. They watch as the kids who are acting out, destroying others' belongings, bullying in school, to name just a few negative behaviors, seem to gain the acceptance of their peers. Many wonder, "Do I have to act like this to be accepted?" "Is this what "cool" is really all about?"

Parents, community leaders, educators, and the responsible media have a role to play in helping kids avoid this trap. Character education and social skills development are key roles for camps, schools, after-school, community, and other programs. This is especially true for addressing bullying, which is the ultimate in "uncool."

We need to go beyond dealing with bullying after it happens or teaching kids how to react to it when it does. We need to work with kids to equip them to resist the deception that bullying is cool. We should be helping our kids redefine "cool" to mean kind, caring, and respectful. We want them to learn that the kind kid is the cool kid, not the bully. It's cool to live The Golden Rule. You can't be truly cool if you are unkind.

Teaching children manners and social skills is the easiest way to accomplish this. Children who are exposed to learning these skills at an early age are not only equipped to embrace the "Kind is Cool" concept, but will go into school and other situations with more confidence. Having a good foundation in manners frees a child up to be himself/herself because they are not worried about how to act.

Character Ed + Social Skills

2009-02-05T20:14:00.002-05:00

When manners, etiquette, and social skills went out of fashion 30-40 years ago, we didn't notice it. But later, when rudeness started becoming more prevalent, we began to wonder what was happening. It took a while to realize that there was a lack of good manners, civility, and common courtesy.

Character education in schools is one of the many things that were implemented to help correct this problem. Many state's mandated their school districts to provide this material. However, years later we are still seeing school bullying and violence in our communities.

Recent research is now reporting the positive benefits of adding social skills training to character education. We see character education as teaching a child core values; values that are acceptable to society as a whole. These include character traits such as honesty, respect, kindness, loyalty, and many more. When we add social skills training to the character values, we give the child the tools to implement those values in real life. They learn how to perform an act of kindness, how to be loyal to a friend that others may be teasing, or perhaps stand up to a bully.

Many children feel uncomfortable in social situations because they don't know what is expected of them. They often act out to cover up their self-consciousness. Children with a high degree of social competence can move into new social situations with confidence.

The Global Golden Rule

2009-02-01T16:10:00.007-05:00

The basis for good manners has always been The Golden Rule. One of the most amazing things I found out when researching and writing two 10-hour manners couses, Manners for Kids 8-12 and Manners for Teens, was that most of the religions and philosophies of the world have a "Golden Rule" type of statement. Because we are a society embracing many ethnicities and religions, we now have what is commonly known as "The Global Golden Rule."

In the educational materials we have developed, we give kids a glimpse of how others have stated this rule for living. This helps them have a better understanding of people with backgrounds and values that are different from theirs. It also cautions them to stop and think about their behavior; if they would want someone to treat them the way they might be about to treat someone else. We use a "generic" form of The Golden Rule, "Treat others the way you want to be treated."

Try this exercise with your children to be sure they understand this concept. Ask them to discuss the difference between "Treat others the way they treat you," and
"Treat others the way you want to be treated." Great dialogue will be generated. Use this as a starting point to teach your children manners.

Manners Myths

2009-01-28T21:27:00.004-05:00

Manners or etiquette rules have come into being because of a need for them. Some, such as the handshake, have been around a long time. Others, such as where to park your carriage (and what to do with the horse) when visiting someone's home, disappear because times have changed. Now we have Netiquette, which is Internet Etiquette, or how to use the Internet so you don't offend anyone and everyone is friendly and can get along.

Since table manners are what most people think manners are all about, we often think about the formal times in our past. Those formal times have caused many people to think etiquette is elitist; only for rich people, and that those rich people made up all the rules. So, if you aren't going where rich people go, who needs them?

Manners and etiquette have gotten a bum rap over the last 30-40 years. "They keep me from being myself." "They spoil my fun." "Who cares if I have good manners?" "So what if I don't teach my kids this stuff, I didn't learn it and I'm fine."

One of the biggest myths about manners is that they don't matter.

Studies Show Manners Matter

2009-01-24T14:22:00.005-05:00

Considering that nearly 90% of us consider rudeness a serious problem in our society, and that 36 states now have legislation requiring schools to deal with bullying and violence, it seems that we need to rethink the importantce of manners and social skills training.

I have always believed that good manners contribute to a more caring, respectful, and successful life. When most people hear the term "good manners," they assume you mean table manners or dining skills. But manners and social skills are much more than dining; they teach us how to behave in an acceptable way wherever we go and whatever we are doing.

If a child hasn't been taught to play fair, share, and to get along with others, he is at a distinct disadvantage when entering school. He may suffer from lack of friends, ridicule, delayed learning, and other negatives. If a high school girl has never been taught to eat in a manner that doesn't gross out others, she may not be invited to a dance or party, or be ostracized by peers. Later, when entering the job market, the candidate with good social skills will secure the job over candidates with equal qualifications, but lacking in social skills. So, teaching children manners is important.

This was recently confirmed in a study by the University of Illinois, released in the fall, which stated that "10 Years On, High-School Social Skills Predict Better Earnings than Test Scores."

How Rude are we Today?

2009-01-23T20:22:00.007-05:00

I am sure that all of you have experienced rudeness at some time. Perhaps you encountered road rage on a super highway or your small town street. Or, maybe you had a meal in a nice restaurant ruined by a child running around and screaming while his parents were oblivious to his behavior. Then there is the obnoxious parent screaming at (and embarrassing) their own child, at a game that is supposed to be fun.

We wonder what happened to kids manners today. Maybe we should also wonder what happened to manners and etiquette for adults? Numerous studies over the last 10-15 years have reported that nearly 90% of us consider rudeness a serious problem in our society. I'm sure you would agree with that.

The worst of rudeness is bullying and violence, which are issues of great concern to kids, parents, and community leaders. School bullying is so prevalent that 36 states now have legislation to deal with these issues.

I have always told students that there is good news and bad news about manners and social skills (which are just socially correct behavior.) The good news is that if they stay in their rooms 24/7, they won't have to know any "manners stuff." The bad news is if they come out of their rooms, they will have to know how to get along with others. So that's what this is all about. Not rocket science, just good sense.

Children's Manners

2009-01-21T17:45:00.002-05:00

Hello to parents, grandparents, and educators. Let me introduce myself. My name is Barbara Gilmour and this is my blog about teaching children manners and social skills. I taught my first manners class when my daughter was a senior in college. She asked me to give her graduating friends some tips about how to behave in a job interview. I was surprised that they were so unsure of themselves. We went over some basic etiquette rules and essentially helped them to feel more comfortable and confident going into this new situation.

That experience led me to later realize that if college seniors were lacking confidence and feeling uncomfortable in new and/or social situations, how must young kids feel going into all the new social situations they encounter on a daily basis, especially if they have never received even the basics in social skills, manners, etiquette.

So the journey begins, as I spent 5 years teaching two manners courses for kids and teens (that I wrote). In 2001 I began expanding the kids' course, teaching good manners, to reach a wider market. Through this blog, I will share some of what I have learned about why kids need manners and social skills, and why they need them at a young age. And, help you help your child or students learn these skills through fun music and activities.

Watch out for positive behavior changes; they really want to know how to do the right thing, be kind and respectful, please you, reject bullying, and have more friends.